The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan, Chris Webb Read Free Book Online Page A

rivalry. In general
    our rule is this: If you didn’t see the argument or conflict, you don’t count
    it; if you hear it, you can count it.
    If you’re in the kitchen and you hear a ruckus starting in the family
    room, for example, there’s nothing to stop you from calling, “Hey guys,
    that’s 1.” Of course, you want to use this rule with flexibility. If you feel
    one child is consistently being victimized by another, you may have to
    intervene and count just the aggressive child. On the other hand, if the
    tattling is getting out of hand, many parents decide to count the tattler.
    3. How long do you take in between counts?
    About five seconds. Just long enough to allow the child time to shape
    up. Remember that we’re counting Stop (obnoxious) behaviors, such as
    arguing, whining, badgering and teasing, and for obnoxious behavior it
    only takes a child one second to cooperate with you by stopping the an-
    noying activity. We certainly don’t want to give a child half an hour to
    continue a tantrum before giving him a 2.
    Counting is perfectly designed to produce the one second’s worth
    of motivation necessary for cooperation. We give the kids five seconds,
    though, which is a little more generous. Why five seconds? Because this
    brief pause gives the youngsters time to think things over and do the right
    thing. In those few seconds—provided the adult keeps quiet—kids learn
    to take responsibility for their own behavior.
    4. If a child hits a 1 or a 2, does he stay at that count for the
    rest of the day, even if he does nothing else wrong?
    No. The time perspective of young children is short. You would not say
    “That’s 1” at nine in the morning, “That’s 2” at 11:15, and “That’s 3,
    take 5” at three in the afternoon. So we have what we call our “window
    of opportunity” rule: If a seven-year-old, for example, does three things
    wrong in a thirty-minute period, each warning counts toward the total of
    TWENTY QUESTIONS 41
    three. But if he does one thing wrong, then an hour goes by, then he does
    something else he shouldn’t, you can start back at 1.
    Very few children manipulate this rule by doing one thing, allowing
    thirty minutes to pass, and then figuring, “Now I get a free one!” If you
    feel a youngster is trying to get away with this, simply make the next
    count a 2 instead of going back to 1.
    The window of opportunity should be longer as kids get older, but
    there are no hard-and-fast guidelines. For four-year-olds the time period
    might be only ten or fifteen minutes, but for eleven-year-olds it might
    be two to three hours. Classroom teachers in the primary grades do not
    usually use a short window because, with twenty-five children in your
    class, this would allow for too much potential misbehavior in too short
    a period of time. Instead, the counting period in school is expanded to
    cover the entire morning, all counts are washed away at lunchtime, then
    the afternoon is treated as a new and separate window.
    5. My child has a fit when I try to drop him off at preschool.
    No matter how much I try to reassure him, he screams
    whenever I try to leave.
    Though separation anxiety is normal in little children, the kids’ desperate
    screams when you try to leave them at preschool, with a sitter or even at
    grandma’s can be very upsetting to you. Here’s what you do. Bite your
    upper lip and become the Master of the Quick Exit. When dropping chil-
    dren off (or leaving home), kiss the kids goodbye, tell them when you’ll
    see them again and get out of there! The longer you stay and the more
    you talk, the worse you will make everything.
    If these awful moments make you feel like a totally cold and uncar-
    ing adult, call back later and ask whoever the caretaker is how long your
    child cried. The average is eighty seconds.
    6. Does the room have to be a sterile environment?
    No. Many books tell you the time-out room should be modeled after a cell
    in a state penitentiary.