The Autograph Hound by John Lahr Read Free Book Online Page A

you by.”
    â€œYou sound like my mother. She said Benny stick to the linotype, collect the pension. She said stay at home, summers we can play shuffleboard. She sure tried to make it sound good. But at the Press I was indoors most of the day reading about all the big names. In New York, you can go up to anybody, any hour of the day. They’re everywhere. I haven’t had a dull moment since I checked my bags at Port Authority in ’sixty. Autographs really keep you hopping.”
    â€œEver heard the song, ‘A New Town Is a Blue Town’?”
    â€œDon’t believe it, Gloria. That was written in 1954. In 1945 they were singing ‘New York, New York, It’s a Helluva Town.’ You should have respect for old age.”
    â€œThere’s too much to remember, too many autographs to get. I have my work. I couldn’t organize. I couldn’t keep up.”
    â€œYou could do it.”
    â€œI’m too set in my ways.”
    â€œFirst, get rid of the Players’ Guide . It slows you down. You can’t wedge or two-pad with it. Hang out with the Horn and Hardart crowd. Their sloppy seconds are as important as most people’s firsts. Read, read, read. That’s my straight-from-the-shoulder advice. Actresses have to be up-to-date. They’ve got to know things. It’s a good way.”
    â€œI’m not the mental type.”
    â€œThere’s nothing to it. I cut the autograph out of my book. I glue it to the white side of the index card, leaving enough room around the edges so no glue touches the ink. On the back, I list the important facts. Marriages. Divorces. Accomplishments. Awards. Any conversations. When they die, I switch them to the brown file marked DEAD.”
    I pick a grade-A out of the file. Gloria comes close to have a look.
    BOB HOPE (Leslie Townes Hope)
    BORN: England, 1904.
    EDUCATION: High School (me too),
    FIRST B’WAY APPEARANCE: Ballyhoo , 1932.
    FILMS INCLUDE: Road to Zanzibar, Road to Singapore, Road to Rio, Road to Hong Kong, Road to Utopia, Caught in the Draft, Call Me Bwana.
    AWARDS: U.S. Congressional Medal, 1963.
    REMARKS (To me at The Homestead): “Laugh and the world laughs with you.” Jan. 4,1965.
    Me: “Do you have the time?” Mr. Hope: “Time to get a watch.” Feb. 2,1968.
    Gloria can’t take her eyes off the autograph.
    â€œTake a card. Any card.”
    I turn my back and put my hands over my eyes. “I’m absolutely not looking. I’m blind as a bat. There’s no way I can see what you’ve picked. Don’t bend the card, please.”
    â€œOkay,” says Gloria.
    â€œNow read me any fact on the back of the card. You don’t have to read the first one. Begin anywhere.”
    â€œâ€˜Membership: 1,651, 240.’”
    â€œJimmy Hoffa.”
    â€œThat’s right!”
    â€œI got him at the Copa.”
    â€œWho’s he?”
    â€œThe head of the biggest union in the United States.”
    â€œHow did you know who he was?”
    â€œThere’s a lot of luck in this business. I thought I was getting Ernest Borgnine.”
    â€œCan I try another? Don’t look.”
    I can hear Gloria fingering the cards for a hard one.
    â€œTake from any file cabinet. I think I can guess from all three. I study them after work. I add conversations to the back even if I already have the autograph.”
    â€œâ€™Forty—nineteen—thirty-five and a half.’”
    â€œThat could be anybody.”
    â€œYou’ll never get this one, Benny.”
    â€œI think I’ve got it.”
    I take a pad and write an impersonation of the autograph. I fold it over. “The person whose card you’re holding is Vera Jane Palmieri.”
    â€œWrong. You missed it. You really flubbed this one!”
    I open the piece of paper and show her my Jayne Mansfield.
    â€œFantastic! You were just fooling about Vera Jane.”
    â€œThat was Miss