The Autograph Hound by John Lahr Read Free Book Online

was very busy. The hair driers were always warm when I came home. I didn’t see her much. But we had some good times—we watched TV together—walked on the boardwalk to Bradley Beach. She’d try and step on my shadow and I’d try to get hers.”
    â€œI’d better be going. I’ve got an early call.”
    â€œJust a few more minutes, okay? What do you think of my sports wall? I invented it myself.”
    â€œI don’t know what to say.”
    â€œI’m flattered. I worked a long time getting the right people, whittling it down. Ty Cobb, Crazy Legs Hirsch, Jolting Joe …”
    â€œBut it’s just names and numbers.”
    â€œThat’s right. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”
    â€œYou’ve just painted a lot of numbers on the wall. It looks messy, if you ask me. Photos’d go with the rest of the room.”
    â€œRead the sign on the wall. I got it from Red Barber on the radio.”
    â€œâ€˜Eternal vigilance is the price for accuracy in statistics.’”
    â€œIt helps with autographs, too.”
    â€œI still don’t get it, Benny.”
    â€œIf you had pictures of all these athletes, you’d only have them on one of their many good days, against one opponent. But they all had great careers. Statistics help remember them in action. Nobody can think of Willie Mays’s face or Bob Feller’s. They’re not like movie stars, you don’t see them close up. Bob Cousy looks like a businessman, Casey Stengel could be a cabdriver. What’s great is how much these guys have produced. That’s all in the numbers. Statistics are certified true. Look where it says DiMaggio. Under it, I’ve got ‘fifty-six.’ That was 1941, but Joe’s consecutive hits are as clear as yesterday. Clearer than that. His front spike up, his elbows high, lots of space between his bat and his neck. No hitch. And then, even without wanting to think about them, the two batting championship years before that, .381 in 1939, .352 in 1940, are right on the tip of your brain. And it’s all on my wall.”
    â€œI don’t see it.”
    â€œYou’ve got to concentrate. People don’t just become successful overnight. That’s a lot of baloney.”
    â€œMillie Perkins in Diary of Anne Frank . Sue Lyon in Lolita . Julie Andrews in The Boyfriend …”
    â€œYou’ve got to improve yourself. I developed this system. My autographs are revolutionized.”
    â€œYou think a lot of yourself.”
    â€œI think a lot of my autographs.”
    â€œâ€˜The more important the person, the more inconspicuous.’ Emily Post.”
    â€œShe can’t be a star.”
    â€œShe’s an expert.”
    â€œThere’s a difference.”
    â€œI really have to go,” says Gloria, lifting a compact from her purse and doing her lips. She takes a Kleenex and blots them. There’s a print of her whole mouth. “‘Paint the Town Pink’ by Revlon.”
    â€œI’m trying to show you my collection, Gloria. The files are open. You haven’t even noticed. That’s one of the first rules. Be alert.”
    I hold out my chair for her to sit down. I turn on the table lamp. The felt’s as green as dollar bills.
    â€œWhat’s new about file cards?” she says.
    â€œWhat’s on them makes them new.”
    â€œNew York’s full of people with big ideas …”
    â€œAutographs are one of the best things about New York. They’re not ideas, they’re for real.”
    â€œPhilosophicals confuse me,” Gloria says.
    â€œThere are more signatures per square block in New York than in any other city. If you were in L.A., you’d need a car. Here, everybody’s outside your door, waiting to be asked.”
    â€œNew York’s a very tough town, Benny. If you went to more movies you’d see that. Everybody knows it. New Yorkers just pass