The Best Rootin' Tootin' Shootin' Gunslinger in the Whole Damned Galaxy by Mike Resnick Read Free Book Online Page A

never smoked, he never wed.
    He had one goal: to mete out lead.
    â€”from “The Ballad of Billybuck Dancer"
    Â 
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  Thaddeus Flint looked up at the ominous, overcast sky. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say we were due for one hell of a blizzard,” he remarked to his hunchbacked companion.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “I asked Mr. Ahasuerus about that,” replied Tojo, “and he says that Tilarba’s annual snowfall averages only thirty-one point seven centimeters."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “I don’t know from centimeters,” said Flint. “I just know what it feels like."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  He tucked his hands into his pockets. “Tilarba,” he repeated. “Some world my partner picked. Even the name sounds like an Eskimo village."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “It is chilly,” agreed Tojo. “And it will get colder when the sun sets in a couple of hours. Do you think it will affect Diggs or any of the other game workers?"
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  Flint shook his head. “I’ve already told him not to set up anything where our people have to deal cards or do any careful manipulating, and to offer overcoats to anyone who needs one. By the way, do you know if the skeleton remembered to move some heat blowers into the specialty tent?"
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “Yes, he did."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “Good. I checked with Julius, since he looks like he’d be right at home sunning himself in a swamp, and he tells me that the cold won’t bother him, so I guess we’ll let him keep on wrestling the marks—at least, until he starts losing."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  Flint lit a cigarette and started walking down the Midway, checking the layout of the games, making sure the electric calliope had been attached to the sound system, stopping at an occasional booth to rearrange the prizes that were on display.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “What about Monk and Batman?” asked Tojo when Flint had finished his rounds.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “What about ’em?"
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “They’ll freeze to death if they have to work the Bozo cage."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “It’s a possibility."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “Then shouldn’t you stop them?"
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “You wouldn’t have any suggestion as to how, would you?” said Flint. “Short of killing them, that is?"
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “No, but—"
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “If they didn’t like what they were doing, they wouldn’t be doing it."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “I still think you should talk to them,” stammered the hunchback.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “What the hell,” shrugged Flint. “I’ve got five or ten minutes to waste."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “You’ll do it?"
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “If that’s what it takes to shut you up, you little bleeding-heart dwarf.” He headed off in the direction of the Bozo cage. “Come on. Let’s get it over with."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  Tojo remained where he was. “I think I’ll go back to the ship."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “Forget something?” asked Flint with an amused smile.  
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “No,” replied the hunchback uneasily. “But I’m sure I’d just be in the way."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “And that’s your only reason?"
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “They make me uncomfortable,” admitted Tojo.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “They make everyone uncomfortable."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “Well, then . . .” Tojo looked plaintively at Flint.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  “All right,” laughed Flint. “Go on back. I’ll take care of it."
    Â Â Â Â Â Â  Tojo shot him a grateful look, then retreated in the general direction of the spaceship.