The Big Why by Michael Winter Read Free Book Online Page A

was hollow and hard. I had ordered coal and I thought about the coal so often that it became a steady image on the floor of my brain. I hung my socks on the stovepipe, and they burnt like toast. They went stiff like toast.
    It was the domestic moments that made me think of Kathleen. I remembered the sound of her skin. When I brushed her bare arms.
    Sometimes in the dark outside, on my way to the new outhouse. If I stepped on a branch. I said, aloud, Scary. I pronounced it in a childish voice, a lisp on the S . I pronounced it as I would if Kathleen were present. We did those things. Scary, the young language.
    I often spoke to my absent wife and children. When I made a meal. One should not cook too long alone. In the kitchen I spoke to Kathleen. And I’d laugh at myself, talking to her when she was not there. This, a clear sign of love.
    Is love a realization that you love? You recognize that you are in love, and then you decide to cultivate it. It is an impulse you can wrap the hand of your mind around. But without that initial surprise — like finding a wildflower in your garden — no amount of wanting to love, of committing to the act of love, will generate it.
    Soon there was so much snow and frozen rain that I was afraid the roof might buckle. We put in two posts to reinforce the peak. In some of the smaller houses in the cove the new weight cracked windows.
    Do not commit during the bloom of youth. Wait until that initial flush subsides, or you will commit to the wrong partner. It is true that men who are monogamous marry often.
16
    When I married Kathleen I promised her that my relationship with Jenny was over. And it was. We were friends. I was faithful to Kathleen, even though I’d told her that I might not be. I might find other women attractive. Kathleen knew this.
    She didnt want to live in Monhegan, because of Jenny, so I convinced her to move to Newfoundland. The plan: sell the house I’d built in Monhegan, and get established in Newfoundland. This was five years ago. When we had the one child. I thought, We’ll go to Newfoundland and set up a little Monhegan.
    I went on a scouting mission. The ferry to Newfoundland leaves from Boston. Jenny was living in Boston. I thought, What’s the harm in looking her up. I called Jenny. She was having dinner with her sister. Did I want to join them. So all we did was eat dinner. Then I went back to my room at the Essex Hotel, and I was happy with myself. I’d withstood desire. I wrote Kathleen a postcard telling her of the meal with Jenny Starling and her sister. I wanted to be honest with her and prove my resistance. I’d promised myself honesty and a bolstering of restraint.
    The next day the ferry did not move. I was frustrated and worried about the expense of another night at the Essex. Then I saw Jenny. She had come down to wish me off.
    The ferry won’t depart, I said, until tomorrow.
    Let’s go for a walk, she said.
    We talked about Bob Bartlett — she’d recently met up with him at a party. Single man, she said, but he’s asexual.
    Could be otherwise, just not acting on it.
    Is there a difference, Jenny said, between suppressing your sexuality and being asexual.
    I think there are only a few asexual people
    So do you live far? I asked. She was wearing a new red sweater.
    Just down there.
    Then I’ll walk you.
    You mean if I lived far you wouldnt?
    Laugh.
    I meant to take a cab if it was far, but youre stuck with me until your door.
    Oh, youre not fickle.
    Do you have a problem with fickleness.
    I like consistency in people, she said. I dont like it when a person treats me well and then badly.
    Jenny was talking about me. About how I’d dealt with her and Kathleen.
    You have, I said, a dislike of fickleness.
    Let’s say I like people with ficklelessness.
    We walked on like this.
    I live in one of those flats, she said. It’s nothing special. Luis thinks an ordinary apartment will make me come back to him. I didnt even see the actual apartment but