The Big Why by Michael Winter Read Free Book Online Page B

another one that happened to be vacant. And I took it.
    At the door. Well, Kent, thank you for the walk.
    I leaned in and we kissed. A tender kiss, and she did not move away. This is how you know that you can kiss again. The lingering. So we kissed. And held each other.
    Jenny: Are you fondling me.
    I’m a little fond of you.
    There was the sound of a metal door being roughly opened.
    I said, I hope youre keeping an eye over my shoulder for anyone wanting in.
    I can’t see over your shoulder.
    We kissed again.
    I dont have anything to offer you in the way of a drink. I have champagne.
    You dont have a cup of tea.
    I have tea. Would you like to come up for a cup of tea.
    I bent her hips. There was the cream ass. I lifted a leg. I felt the weight of her entire thigh in my hand. I immersed myself. It was the frustration at inaction that I drove into Jenny Starling. I pushed my optic nerve into the bridge of her nose. There was her head against the headboard. There was a hot fold of her with my fingers. I moistened my fingers. A heavy curtain flipped over beside the bed. You could hear a street. Things in a street.
    Youre a wolf, she said, in sheep’s clothing.
    I put the wool in wolf.
17
    What you must understand is that my wife knew. I told my wife this would happen. I will marry you, I said to Kathleen, but you must know this: I will be with other women. I was honest to her about this. We came to an arrangement. Kathleen said this: If it must happen, dont let me catch you. I want no evidence.
    Truth: She said it with an air of martyrdom. And when she drew a scent of an affair, she demanded to know. She did not want to know, but then she had to know. And I felt guilt. I felt the guilt of having wronged her. But that guilt was mixed with the honesty with which I had approached our union. I am a man with big appetites. I confessed to these appetites, and now I was being judged for them. But I understand the love of a monogamous woman. Kathleen wants to believe that I won’t do it. She believes in the virtue of monogamy and that I am virtuous. My guilt was proof because I loved her so much. She was full of God, and I couldnt bear her censure.
    But my desire for Jenny Starling. To exercise with her, to permit her muscles to flex and push my body, was to accept her influence over me, and Jenny knew it. Our fucking was personal, as though I were confirming myself in the world, or it was a spiritual proclamation intended to persuade the world. Intimacy created meaning. I had turned Jenny Starling over several times with just my hands. It’s true that in those days I wanted to press against any woman if she allowed it. I had a gear I could reach called abandon. I wanted to be remembered. It was vanity, and my vanity about Jenny Starling lasted an evening and a morning. We were raw from the sex. It was not erotic now but a motion that united us. It was a farewell joining, a gentle but brutish thrust to assist us over the separation. The push was to be kept in the brain. And Jenny had no problem with my departure. We linked like insects that cannot unhinge. She came several small, unexpected times, and I pulsed in her and burned from the excess. It was not enjoyable but necessary, as we were addicted to it. For we knew the extent of our time — what little we had of it.
    I remember her open closet door. Jenny had fabric hung on it with pockets, and in the pockets were pairs of shoes. I thought it interesting that someone had realized that doors werent shouldering enough work. It was only one side of the door. So you could shut the door and forget the work the door was always doing.
    In the morning I heard her up. She showered. I smelled coffee. And she came in dressed. A black-and-charcoal top. Jenny bent down and kissed me. It’s nine, she said. I’m late for work.
    But it’ll be okay?
    Yes, but they’ll know. Women know, she said.
    On Jenny Starling’s kitchen table was a white cup full of black coffee. The white was so