The Blissfully Dead by Mark Edwards, Louise Voss Read Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Mark Edwards, Louise Voss
‘Hey, sexy. Wanna get pizza?’
‘Shut it, Kai, I’m busy.’
‘What’ya doing, babe?’
From her bed, where she was lying on her stomach, tapping away at her laptop, Jade turned and pulled a face. ‘Duh! I’m rollerblading naked round the park.’
‘ Are yer?’ Kai actually looked puzzled, as if he had somehow missed this. He noticed that she’d turned her Shawn Barrett duvet cover the wrong way up, so it looked like she was lying on top of him while he gave her head.
‘Oh for fuck’s sake. No – what does it look like? I’m on the forums, aren’t I?’
‘Anything good?’
Jade made a frustrated sort of noise. ‘I mean, look at this, I’m only being realistic and I’m getting a load of abuse!’
Kai came and lay on top of Jade, grinding his pelvis into the small of her back as he looked over her shoulder at her screen.
F-U-Cancer: I’m still totally cut up about MissTargetHeart.
Jade had responded: You need to get over that, seriously. Not like you two were BFFs, FFS!
F-U-Cancer: How can you be so heartless, Jade? I knew I shouldn’t have started talking to you again.
‘How can you be so heartless, Jade?’mimicked Jade in a high-pitched, whiny voice. ‘God, she’s such a sap. Posh cow.’
Kai fixed his gaze on one of the dozens of Shawn Barrett posters on Jade’s bedroom wall. ‘I’d be proper gutted if you got throttled.’
Jade ignored him. A new message had made her stiffen with outrage. ‘WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK ?’
‘Sup, bae?’ Kai tried to playfully straddle her on the bed so he could massage her tense shoulders, but she slapped him away as though he was a particularly irritating bluebottle.
‘I don’t believe it,’ she muttered, scanning the computer screen. ‘She’s bang out of order. No, no. I ain’t having that, no way.’
‘Who – MissTargetHeart?’ Kai was puzzled. Rose Sharp, a.k.a. MissTargetHeart , was in a mortuary somewhere, so it was hard to believe that she could have done anything recently to incur the wrath of Jade – hard to believe, but not impossible. Jade was very easily offended, as he well knew.
‘No, you twat, YOLOSWAG. How dare she?’
‘What’s she said?’
Jade stabbed impatiently at her screen with a long fingernail – each of her gel nails was decorated with a different OnTarget logo.
‘YOLOSWAG – 5 minutes ago – 11,987 times?!’
‘What’s she on about, bae?’
Jade jumped off the bed and paced around the room, furious. ‘Who does she fucking think she is? She’s just jealous, innit, that she didn’t do it, and now I’m getting all the props and she thinks she can have a pop at me? She’s got another think coming.’
‘The tweets?’ Kai asked nervously.
‘Yeah, the tweets!’
Jade was inordinately proud of the fact that the OnTarget website had recently featured her in an article about how she’d tweeted Shawn Barrett 11,897 times in an attempt to get him to follow her back. It called her ‘Shawn’s Biggest Fan?’ She’d printed out the article and it was sellotaped to the wall next to a life-size poster of Shawn:
Of course, we’re all massive Targeters here, but there’s someone out there who’s dedicated weeks to repeatedly spamming Shawn Barrett with almost 12,000 tweets. Now, that’s slightly excessive, but the girl behind the tweets, Jade, insists she has a very good reason for doing so. And that reason is that she’s truly, madly, deeply in love with him.
According to BuzzFeed, Jade began tweeting Shawn telling him how her day was going, but she thought that was ‘useless’, so instead decided to write ‘Before I met you @ShawnBarrett I never knew what it was like to be able to look at someone and smile for no reason, follow me, ily.’
She told the website: ‘I only tweet Shawn, I don’t need anything but his follow.’ Unfortunately for Jade, Shawn Barrett is still yet to follow her on Twitter, but we’re sure she won’t stop there.
‘I love them more than my own life,
‘Shut it, Kai, I’m busy.’
‘What’ya doing, babe?’
From her bed, where she was lying on her stomach, tapping away at her laptop, Jade turned and pulled a face. ‘Duh! I’m rollerblading naked round the park.’
‘ Are yer?’ Kai actually looked puzzled, as if he had somehow missed this. He noticed that she’d turned her Shawn Barrett duvet cover the wrong way up, so it looked like she was lying on top of him while he gave her head.
‘Oh for fuck’s sake. No – what does it look like? I’m on the forums, aren’t I?’
‘Anything good?’
Jade made a frustrated sort of noise. ‘I mean, look at this, I’m only being realistic and I’m getting a load of abuse!’
Kai came and lay on top of Jade, grinding his pelvis into the small of her back as he looked over her shoulder at her screen.
F-U-Cancer: I’m still totally cut up about MissTargetHeart.
Jade had responded: You need to get over that, seriously. Not like you two were BFFs, FFS!
F-U-Cancer: How can you be so heartless, Jade? I knew I shouldn’t have started talking to you again.
‘How can you be so heartless, Jade?’mimicked Jade in a high-pitched, whiny voice. ‘God, she’s such a sap. Posh cow.’
Kai fixed his gaze on one of the dozens of Shawn Barrett posters on Jade’s bedroom wall. ‘I’d be proper gutted if you got throttled.’
Jade ignored him. A new message had made her stiffen with outrage. ‘WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK ?’
‘Sup, bae?’ Kai tried to playfully straddle her on the bed so he could massage her tense shoulders, but she slapped him away as though he was a particularly irritating bluebottle.
‘I don’t believe it,’ she muttered, scanning the computer screen. ‘She’s bang out of order. No, no. I ain’t having that, no way.’
‘Who – MissTargetHeart?’ Kai was puzzled. Rose Sharp, a.k.a. MissTargetHeart , was in a mortuary somewhere, so it was hard to believe that she could have done anything recently to incur the wrath of Jade – hard to believe, but not impossible. Jade was very easily offended, as he well knew.
‘No, you twat, YOLOSWAG. How dare she?’
‘What’s she said?’
Jade stabbed impatiently at her screen with a long fingernail – each of her gel nails was decorated with a different OnTarget logo.
‘YOLOSWAG – 5 minutes ago – 11,987 times?!’
‘What’s she on about, bae?’
Jade jumped off the bed and paced around the room, furious. ‘Who does she fucking think she is? She’s just jealous, innit, that she didn’t do it, and now I’m getting all the props and she thinks she can have a pop at me? She’s got another think coming.’
‘The tweets?’ Kai asked nervously.
‘Yeah, the tweets!’
Jade was inordinately proud of the fact that the OnTarget website had recently featured her in an article about how she’d tweeted Shawn Barrett 11,897 times in an attempt to get him to follow her back. It called her ‘Shawn’s Biggest Fan?’ She’d printed out the article and it was sellotaped to the wall next to a life-size poster of Shawn:
Of course, we’re all massive Targeters here, but there’s someone out there who’s dedicated weeks to repeatedly spamming Shawn Barrett with almost 12,000 tweets. Now, that’s slightly excessive, but the girl behind the tweets, Jade, insists she has a very good reason for doing so. And that reason is that she’s truly, madly, deeply in love with him.
According to BuzzFeed, Jade began tweeting Shawn telling him how her day was going, but she thought that was ‘useless’, so instead decided to write ‘Before I met you @ShawnBarrett I never knew what it was like to be able to look at someone and smile for no reason, follow me, ily.’
She told the website: ‘I only tweet Shawn, I don’t need anything but his follow.’ Unfortunately for Jade, Shawn Barrett is still yet to follow her on Twitter, but we’re sure she won’t stop there.
‘I love them more than my own life,