The Book of Great Funny One-Liners by Frank Allen Read Free Book Online Page A

American journalist
    After my act there was a lot of clapping and booing. But the clapping was for the booing.
    Milton Berle, American comedian
    His critiques of films are subtle and can be very amusing, especially the ones he hasn’t seen.
    British artist David Hockney on American film director Billy Wilder
    My seventh film, The Cool Mikado, had the appearance of being made in a wind tunnel.
    Frankie Howard, British comic actor
    She knows when she should go on and she knows when she should go off—it’s the bit in between that foxes her.
    Hugh Hunt
    As an actress, her only flare is in her nostrils.
    Pauline Kael, American critic
    Hook and Ladder is the sort of play that gives failure a bad name.
    Walter Kerr, American critic
    As in the outfitting of the Titanic, no expense has been spared on this production of The Romans in Britain.
    Francis King, American critic
    When it comes to acting, Joan Rivers has the range of a wart.
    American critic Stewart Klein on the comedian
    Here’s where we get out the thesaurus and look up synonyms for ‘garbage.’
    American critic Mike LaSalle on the movie Shanghai Knights
    During the rehearsals of Dorothy Parker’s play Close Harmony the director was concerned about the jiggling large breasts of one of the leading ladies.
    Director: Shouldn’t she be wearing a bra?
    Parker: Good God, no! At least something on the stage is moving.
    Michael Caine can out-act any, well nearly any, telephone kiosk you care to mention.
    Hugh Leonard, Irish dramatist
    I cannot sing, dance or act—what else would I be but a talk show host.
    David Letterman, American television presenter
    The plot of Who Killed Agatha Christie? has as many holes as a sieve and is far less entertaining.
    Bernard Levin, British journalist
    In this production of Macbeth, the prompter stole the show.
    Peter Lewis, American critic
    For the eye, too much; for the ear, too little; for the mind, nothing at all.
    British journalist Bernard Levin on Franco Zefirelli’s Othello
    Raquel Welch is silicone from the knees up.
    Gorge Masters, American critic
    I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me.
    Italian actor Gina Lollogrigida on the American actor Rock Hudson
    I had a video made of my recent knee operation. The doctor said it was the best movie I ever starred in.
    Shirley MacLaine, American actor
    She is one of the few actresses in Hollywood history who looks more animated in still photographs than she does on the screen.
    American radio pesenter Michael Medved on American actor Raquel Welch
    Hollywood is a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat.
    Wilson Mizner, American playwright
    David Frost is the bubonic plagiarist.
    Jonathan Miller on fellow British screenwriter and television presenter
    We used to have actresses trying to become stars; now we have stars trying to become actresses.
    Sir Laurence Olivier, British actor
    I’ve spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.
    Wilson Mizner, American playwright
    Miss United Dairies herself.
    British actor David Niven on American actor Jayne Mansfield who was famous for her impressive décolletage
    Barbra Streisand looks like a cross between an aardvark and an albino rat surmounted by a platinum-coated horse bun.
    Del Prete has as much charm as a broomstick with a smile painted on it.
    Diane Keaton’s acting is really a nervous breakdown in slow motion.
    The only talent Doris Day possesses is that of being absolutely sanitary; her personality untouched by human emotions, her brow unclouded by human thought, her form unsmudged by the slightest evidence of femininity.
    Sitting through this movie is like having someone at a fancy Parisian restaurant who neither speaks nor read French, read out stentoriously the entire long menu in his best Arkansas accent and occasionally interrupt himself to chortle at his cleverness.
    You have to have a stomach for ugliness to endure Carol Kane—to say