The Brothers Crunk by William Pauley III Read Free Book Online

doesn’t shy them away from the television screen. “This can’t be! Krumm, how the fuck can this be, blah?!”
     
    “ Well, it appears as if your television prison wasn’t enough to hold him, my dear,” Krumm says, smirking.
     
    “ Oh, don’t try and pin all of this on me, blah! You liked the television idea, too!”
     
    “ Yes, but you used such a fucking ancient television! I was the one who suggested we use one of the newer models, but noooo, you didn’t want to fork over the cash! You get what you pay for, cheapskate. I hope you’re happy.”
     
    “ How many times do we have to go through this, blah? The newer models are too thin! We wouldn’t have been able to cram him inside, even if we stuck a broomstick in his ass!”
     
    “ What? How does a broomstick in his ass help anything?”
     
    “ You know what I mean, blah.”
     
    “ No, I don’t know what you mean. Shoving a stick up his ass does what exactly?”
     
    “ It helps with the cramming.”
     
    “ What is it that you are cramming? I mean, we zapped his spirit into a TV using lightning rods!”
     
    “ It’s a figure of speech. Look, you know what I mean, blah. Fucking shut it!”
     
    Krumm purses his lips out and rocks his hips angrily before turning his back to her, again focusing his attention on the television screen.
     
    “ He was all like big and purple and * bleep* . I mean, he still looks the same. Big teeth and * bleep* . Scary as hell,” an eye-witness reports. “And what about the others, the ones that came after the Damned Dirt Devils? Any idea of who they might be?” the reporter asks. Pictures of Reynold, Pete, and the ostrich scroll across the screen. “I don’t * bleep* know, man, but one of ’em was a * bleep* -ing pile of meat . . .”
     
    “ Pause it, blah. Hurry!” Dethbryte orders. Krumm closes his eyes, annoyed at the request, but obeying regardless. He holds the remote up and presses the pause button. The screen freezes on the picture of Reynold, Pete, and the ostrich.
     
    “ Bring them to me!” Dethbryte commands.
     
    “ Them? Really? Why?” Krumm asks.
     
    Dethbryte’s eyes immediately change colors—the left bright red and the right a deep purple. “I said bring them to me or I’ll be cramming a broomstick up your ass!” she screams, pink saliva spraying in all directions.
     
    “ Okay, okay, boss. Calm your noodle!” Krumm says, tossing the remote onto the bed. “I’ll send out the boys.”
     
    Krumm leaves the room. Dethbryte’s eyes return to the same yellowish color they were before. She turns back to face the window. The beautiful city she had admired only moments ago suddenly looks dirty. She reaches out her stubby arms and yanks on the drawstring. The blinds snap shut.
     

 
     

 
     
    SEVENTEEN
     
    FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES
     
     
     
    The clouds hang like giant pink cherries in the purple night sky. Reynold is saddled up on his ostrich, admiring the beauty of the sky from the bowels of the city; it is the only place they could run to where the questions, the lights, the cameras wouldn’t follow.
     
    The bowels are even worse than the barrio. The streets aren’t paved, the buildings are collapsing or collapsed, and the ground is half-covered in the city’s waste due to poor plumbing and the fact that no plumber would ever consider taking a job in the area. The people here are dangerous. There are no streetlamps. If someone were to run into trouble out here, the last thing they’d want to do is see it coming. That’s much worse. Seeing and smelling a place like this makes the cherry night sky that much more beautiful.
     
    “ Hey, Rey, how long you planning on hanging around here, man? The rats here are the size of bloodhounds and they’re all giving me the ol’ salacious eye.” Pete hangs in the fish net, dangling off the ostrich, wary of the darkness.
     
    “ Just until we come up with a plan to catch up with Vandenboom,” Reynold answers.
     
    “