The Color of Heaven by The Colour of Heaven (html) Read Free Book Online

him.
    What I envied was her optimism. She was looking forward to al the joys of motherhood without any of the dread or fear that I would feel if I were in her place.
    In that moment, I became conscious of the fact that I would never experience that blissful optimism again. I would not be courageous enough to have
    another child.
    I wasn’t even sure I would ever be brave enough to love someone –and that thought made me pul over onto the side of the road and sit in silence
    for a long, long time.

Chapter Twenty
    February 12, 2007
    As the first anniversary of Megan’s death approached, I had a terrible nightmare. I was back in the ICU, and the doctors and nurses were rushing
    around her bed in a panic, shooting drugs into her IV tubes, performing CPR – al in a last minute, hopeless attempt to save her life.
    Then suddenly her eyes flew open, she reached out to me and said, “Don’t leave me, Mommy. I’m scared!”
    My eyes flew open as wel , and for the next hour, I lay in bed, tossing and turning, sinking deeper and deeper into a painful wel of memories as I
    replayed those horrors in my mind. I knew I had to stop thinking about her death, stop worrying about where she was now – if she was anywhere at
    al – and focus instead on the joy she had brought to my life.
    I forced myself to recal those special years during remission, when I began to see the world with new eyes. For a while, I had understood and
    cherished the extraordinary gift of my existence on this planet, and I relished each new day with my daughter.
    I wondered what she would think if she could see me now, wal owing in my grief. Alone.
    I imagined she would grieve for me in return.
    That single thought prompted me to climb out of bed. I boiled an egg for breakfast, took a long shower, then cal ed my sister and asked if I could
    come and visit for a few days. I wanted to talk about the possibility of going back to work. I had no interest in writing – at least not yet – but I thought I might be able to do some freelance editing.
    “That sounds like a great idea,” Jen said. “Joe and I were just talking about you yesterday. And Megan, of course. We miss you. Please come. How
    soon can you be here?”
    “Just give me an hour to pack.”
    True to my word, exactly one hour later, I was buttoning up my sheepskin coat and tossing my suitcase into the back of my compact SUV.
    As I drove out of the city on that mild winter day, I could feel Megan’s presence in the back seat. Every so often, I glanced in the rearview mirror, and I could see her smiling at me.
    The only time she spoke was to remind me to turn north onto the 684.
    She stayed with me until I passed Hartford, then quietly departed and left me to find my own way to my sister’s house in Manchester.
    o0o
    Not long after I crossed the border into New Hampshire, the temperature plummeted. If I had been out walking, I would have felt it on my cheeks.
    The chil would have entered my throat and lungs, but I was strapped tightly into the cozy confines of my vehicle with the heat blasting out of the
    dashboard vents, and was therefore shielded from the conditions outside.
    I wil always wonder what brought that deer out onto the road just as the puddles from the melting snow turned to ice. I saw her out of the corner of my eye, gal oping onto the pavement, and my whole body went rigid.
    Wrenching the steering wheel left to avoid her, I hit the brakes at the same time, which was of course the worst thing I could have done.
    The car whipped around 180 degrees, so I was now facing the oncoming headlights from the vehicles traveling behind me. My tires skimmed
    sideways across the pavement toward the shoulder of the road.
    I remember everything in excruciating detail, the noise especial y, as my car rol ed five times down the steep embankment. Glass shattered and
    smashed. Steel col apsed. The world spun in dizzying circles in front of my eyes, so I shut them and gripped the steering wheel hard,