The Complete Yes Minister by Paul Hawthorne Nigel Eddington Read Free Book Online

complaining now. I knew I’d got him on the run. ‘Not all that remote,’ I said, and pointed to the map of the UK hanging on the wall. ‘It’s that pink bit, about two feet above Potters Bar.’
    Humphrey was not amused – ‘Very droll, Minister,’ he said. But
even that
did not crush me.
    ‘It is going to be Scotland,’ I said with finality. ‘That is my
policy
decision. That’s what I’m here for, right Bernard?’
    Bernard didn’t want to take sides against Humphrey, or against me. He was stuck. ‘Um . . .’ he said.
    I dismissed Humphrey, and told him to get on with making the arrangements. He stalked out of my office. Bernard’s eyes remained glued to the floor.
    Bernard is
my
Private Secretary and, as such, is apparently supposed to be on my side. On the other hand, his future lies with the Department which means that he has to be on Humphrey’s side. I don’t see how he can possibly be on both sides. Yet, apparently, only if he succeeds in this task that is, by definition, impossible, will he continue his rapid rise to the top. It’s all very puzzling. I must try and find out if I can trust him.
    November 13th
    Had a little chat with Bernard on our way back from Cardiff, where I addressed a conference of Municipal Treasurers and Chief Executives.
    Bernard warned me that Humphrey’s next move, over this Scottish business, would be to set up an interdepartmental committee to investigate and report.
    I regard the interdepartmental committee as the last refuge of a desperate bureaucrat. When you can’t find any argument against something you don’t want, you set up an interdepartmental committee to strangle it. Slowly. I said so to Bernard. He agreed.
    ‘It’s for the same reason that politicians set up Royal Commissions,’ said Bernard. I began to see why he’s a high-flyer.
    I decided to ask Bernard what Humphrey
really
had against the idea.
    ‘The point is,’ Bernard explained, ‘once they’re all in Scotland the whole visit will fall within the purview of the Secretary of State for Scotland.’
    I remarked that Humphrey should be pleased by this. Less work.
    Bernard put me right on that immediately. Apparently the problem is that Sir Humphrey likes to go to the Palace, all dressed up in his white tie and tails and medals. But in Scotland the whole thing will be on a much smaller scale. Not so many receptions and dinners. Not so many for Sir Humphrey, anyway, only for the Perm. Sec. at the Scottish Office. Sir Humphrey might not even be invited to the return dinner, as the Burandan Consulate in Edinburgh is probably exceedingly small.
    I had never given the ceremonial aspect of all this any thought at all. But according to Bernard all the glitter is frightfully important to Permanent Secretaries. I asked Bernard if Humphrey had lots of medals to wear.
    ‘Quite a few,’ Bernard told me. ‘Of course he got his K a long time ago. He’s a KCB. But there are rumours that he might get his G in the next Honours list.’ 1
    ‘How did you hear that?’ I asked. I thought Honours were always a big secret.
    ‘I heard it on the grapevine,’ said Bernard.
    I suppose, if Humphrey doesn’t get his G, we’ll hear about it on the sour-grapevine.
    [
Shortly after this conversation a note was sent by Sir Humphrey to Bernard Woolley. As usual Sir Humphrey wrote in the margin – Ed
.]

    [
Presumably by ‘all will be well’ Sir Humphrey was referring to the cancellation of the official visit, rather than another Central African country going communist – Ed
.]
    November 18th
    Long lapse since I made any entries in the diary. Partly due to the weekend, which was taken up with boring constituency business. And partly due to pressure of work – boring Ministerial business.
    I feel that work is being kept from me. Not that I’m short of work. My boxes are full of irrelevant and unimportant rubbish.
    Yesterday I really had nothing to do at all in the afternoon. No engagements of any sort. Bernard