The Crazy Dentist and Other Naughty Stories for Good Boys and Girls by Christopher Milne Read Free Book Online Page A

the wedgie of the year. Next, Dianne grabbed the sucker thing they put in your mouth and pushed it up his nose. The gurgling sound it made was something shocking. Gooberama!
    Last, but not least, she grabbed the tooth puller-outers and snapped them closed on the dentist’s knee-cap. The scraping sound they made was just like fingernails on a blackboard.
    The dentist groaned and blocked his ears, and Dianne made a break for it. She was gone in a flash!
    As she ran down the street, she thought to herself she had never felt better. She felt free. She felt as if she could run forever. Away! And she did.
    Running away felt great. Fantastic. But only for a while. Soon it became dark and Dianne felt cold and hungry and lonely. But there was no way she was going home. So she hung around a fast-food shop and watched other people wolf down burgers. She would have killed for a single hot chip.
    Later on still, the fast-food shop closed and Dianne had to leave. Suddenly, being free felt terrible. She was cold again and scared as well. A nasty-looking man walked past and Dianne jumped back in fright. Where would she go? What would she do?
    Just then, Dianne had the best piece of luck a girl could ever have. A nice old lady asked if she could help. Dianne explained what had happened and the lady said there was only one thing to do — ring her mum and dad and explain to them how unhappy she was.
    â€˜They’ll be angry at first,’ warned the lady, holding out a dollar coin, ‘but my guess is everything will end up OK.’
    The lady was right. Dianne’s dad hit the roof when she first rang.
    â€˜How dare you cause us all this worry!’ he screamed.
    â€˜I didn’t think you’d miss me,’ said Dianne.
    That seemed to throw her dad. He didn’t say anything. Dianne could almost hear him thinking over the phone. And then, softly, her dad said, ‘Of course we miss you. What do you mean?’
    â€˜Well,’ said Dianne, ‘I hardly ever see you. You’re always so busy.’
    Dianne’s dad started to get angry again. ‘That’s because we’re earning money,’ he yelled. ‘For food, to feed you! And buy you clothes!’
    â€˜I don’t want clothes,’ said Dianne. ‘I just want you to love me.’
    There was another silence. Then her dad started to cry.

    These days, Dianne and her mum and dad are the best family you could ever find. They muck around together all the time. Dianne has even cut back on the lollies a bit.
    And the dentist is back in the loony bin where he belongs. Which is just as well because it was only a week later that Dianne’s mother needed to go, too. She’d been interviewed on television — you know, those things where they ask people in the street about the latest movie — and she got so excited that her false teeth popped out and smashed on the concrete.
    Dianne’s mum had never been so embarrassed in her life! And you know what was even worse? On the very night it was shown on TV, every single one of her friends was watching. It didn’t surprise Dianne. She’d rung every one of them.

‘Big Butt’ Barton, or Rupert Clarence Barton to his parents, was the laziest kid I have ever known. So lazy that one day, he simply refused to get out of bed. Ever! Except to go to the toilet, of course. And even then he sat down for everything. But more of that later.
    It all began when Rupert was a baby. His parents thought he was the dearest little thing that ever breathed. To make Rupert happy, they gave him things. Anything and everything. Spoilt him rotten. Toys, cuddles, drinks and as much as he could possibly eat. Which was a lot.
    It wasn’t long before poor Rupert looked like a plastic blow-up baby that’d come out of the factory all wrong. Fat head, huge tummy and massive bum. When it came to changing Rupert’s nappy, volunteers were hard to find.
    As Rupert grew older, his parents