The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag by Robert Rankin Read Free Book Online Page B

silly.’
    ‘Don’t
get me wrong,’ I said. ‘I’m no unbeliever. But let me put this to you. The
Bible Belt of America called the Summer of Love an abomination unto the Lord.
They said that all free love was the Devil’s doing. You don’t suppose your CIA
friends have got the wrong fellow by any chance? Perhaps it isn’t Jesus at all.
Perhaps it’s the Anti-Christ.’
    Dan had
a bit of a think ‘Let me get back to you on that,’ he said. ‘So, do you want to
tell me what you’re really in here for?’
    ‘Propagation
of conspiracy theory, same as you. This is the Conspiracy Theorists’
Correctional Facility, isn’t it? We’re all in here for the same reason: “Oral
dissemination of rumour and hearsay, liable to elicit independent thought and
cause a breach of the status quo” — Clause 23 of the new Suppression of
Misinformation Act. I’m a tall-storyteller by profession. All I was doing was
plying my trade, chatting to a bloke in a bar. Trouble was, the bloke in the
bar turned out to be an off-duty clerk from the Ministry of Serendipity. Six o’clock
the next morning, bang goes my front door, in storm the men in grey, and I’m
dragged off here for a spell of corrective therapy.’
    ‘And
are the tablets helping?’
    ‘Tablets
always help. That’s what tablets are for, isn’t it?’
    ‘Have
you thought about planning an escape?’
    ‘Novel
idea.’
    ‘Oh,
are you writing a novel?’
    ‘Certainly
not! How dare you!’
    ‘Sorry.
But I’m planning to escape.’ Dan drew me closer, but I wasn’t keen. Not with
the BO and the bad breath and everything. ‘I’m building wings,’ whispered Dan. ‘From
pillow feathers. I’m going to fly out of here.’
    ‘Well,
give my regards to Jesus when you see him.’ I rose to take some exercise in the
yard.
    ‘Or I
might just go out through the tunnel tonight with everyone else.’
    I sat
back down again. What did you say?’ I asked.
     
    ‘Chief,’ said Barry, as I
jogged around the exercise yard. ‘Chief, I really don’t think you should put
too much faith in young Danny boy.’
    ‘Oh
really, Barry, and why not?’
    ‘Because
he’s two eggs short of an omelette, chief. He’s cooking without the gas on.’
    ‘He
said the tablets were helping.’
    ‘Tablets
always help, chief. But he’s still a wacko. You can’t trust him. It will end in
tears.’
    ‘No it
won’t, Barry. Because I have no intention of following Dan down any tunnel.’
    You don’t,
chief?’
    ‘I don’t,
Barry. But the idea set me thinking. I’ve been going about all this in entirely
the wrong way. Tunnels and feathered wings and squeezing through bars. Those
are all obvious ways of escaping. What I should be doing is applying
Rune’s Law of Obviosity. I should be thinking of the least most obvious way of
getting out of here.’
    ‘Shouldn’t
that be the least most obvious, least most obvious way, chief, because the least most obvious way would be the most obvious way to choose, which would make it
the most obvious way and—’
    ‘Shut
up, Barry.’
    ‘Sorry,
chief.’
    ‘The
least most obvious way of escaping would be simply to walk out of here in broad
daylight.’
    ‘I do
foresee a problem or two there, chief.’
    ‘Good.’
    ‘Good,
chief?’
    ‘Good,
Barry. Because the more problems there are, the more impossible the task
becomes. And the more impossible it becomes, the more it proves itself to be
the least most obvious way of getting out.’
    ‘It’s
all so simple, once you explain it, chief.’
    ‘Isn’t
it always?’
     
    I walked back to my room.
This I considered a very good start, as normally I would have been marched back
to my room. But male nurse Cecil was busily engaged striking Dan with a
truncheon and shouting something about a tunnel. So he didn’t notice me as I
strolled past.
    I
packed my suitcase, put on my street clothes, and stepped from my room into the
corridor. An orderly wandered by, tripped, fell, struggled to his feet