The Full Ridiculous by Mark Lamprell Read Free Book Online Page B

like an exploding Catherine wheel. When he is spent, the headmistress explains that the Peacocks are not threatening to sue Mr Pessites—they are threatening to sue the school for failing to protect their daughter from assault.
    ‘But Perry didn’t touch them. And anyway he’s just sticking up for his sister,’ he replies, abandoning rage to experiment with hurt and bewilderment.
    Christina is about to launch into an exploration of the ethics of his son’s behaviour but thinks better of it. Instead she explains that Perry’s threats can indeed be legally interpreted as a form of assault but that, regardless of this, Mr Pessites must see that this atmosphere of hatred and revenge cannot be tolerated in a school professing to embrace Christian values. George Pessites is appropriately chastened by the mention of Our Lord and after inspecting a model of the new gymnasium he heads off, promising to ‘lay down the law’ to his kids.
    On the way home George smiles to himself and says, ‘On ya Perry,’ to the luxury leather interior of his special edition Porsche, just as a Subaru hatchback stops dead in front of him. He slams on the brakes but it’s too late.
    As air bags explode around him, George Pessites calculates that his three-hundred-thousand-dollar car will be off the road for at least two weeks. He’ll be driving around in some crap loaner all because Christina Bowden called him up to school. All because Perry put some little bitches in their place. All because the little bitches were giving Eva a hard time. All because one little bitch in particular punched his Eva and called her names. What was her name? Ruthie? Rosie?
    The tow-truck driver drops George outside a row of expensively renovated neo-Federation shops where Mr Pessites enters his wife’s emporium— All Gifts Great and Small —to get the keys to her Audi when, as fortune would have it, he meets Constable Lance Johnstone.
    Constable Johnstone is tall and thin with once-carrot hair that is fading to a dull brown. He has been a member of the police force for just over ten years. He joined in his late twenties after a number of unsuccessful attempts at various careers in sales. Selling life insurance was a little too esoteric for Lance so he moved on to selling objects—cars, kitchens, appliances—but never found his niche until the store where he was working was held up one day. He got talking to the cop who arrived long after a young man of Middle Eastern appearance absconded with just over a thousand dollars cash and seven laptops, and discovered that he wanted to become a police officer.
    Lance signed up, filled with hope and ambition. Finally on the right path, he secretly dreamed that he would be promoted to commissioner in record time. But today, on the wrong side of forty, Lance remains a constable for reasons that elude him. He is a disappointed man who consoles himself with the small compensations that being a member of the police force afford him.
    Mrs Pessites never fails to compensate Constable Johnstone with a twenty-five per cent discount on any of his purchases from All Gifts Great and Small . When wrapping his selected gift she often slips in another gift of greater value than the one he has purchased. Today, for example, an eighteen-dollar (marked down from $24.99) pewter mug purchased for his great-nephew’s christening has been supplemented with a sterling silver baby rattle normally retailing for $49.99 but included gratis. He knows it’s Mrs Pessites’ way of thanking him for his service to the public and he is graciously accepting her wrapped-and-ribboned offering when George Pessites walks through the door.
    Constable Johnstone almost wets himself. George is very rich and owns lots of really big trucks. For a sweet second the constable is as giddy as a teenager but collects himself and adjusts his gun belt with appropriate gravitas. When George Pessites says, ‘Hello Lance,’ Lance can’t believe that amongst all the