The Gap of Time by Jeanette Winterson Read Free Book Online

into the waiting limo and heading for a jazz club. Leo didn’t like jazz. He sat in the small, dark room drinking Mexican beer and playing games on his phone, all through some pretentious, out-of-tune sax solo, refusing to fake it that he understood or liked it.
    The wine and oysters at the restaurant followed by the kebab and Coke and beer were making him feel sick. He was miserable and alone, so he talked louder, pushing his chair back, necking the Corona when all he wanted was water and sleep.
    Then everybody in the club started clapping and whistling and a small, slight, boyish woman with a face like a pretty sailor in red lipstick, wearing a black dress, holding the microphone like it had something to say to her, started to sing. The piano picked up the tune. The snare drum came in off the beat.
    MiMi singing. Her strong, passionate voice—he didn’t understand the words, but he was sitting forward as though receiving instruction for a mission he mustn’t fail. Leo felt his heart change.
    He felt, not thought, Where is this place that I was happy? I must go back there, even if I die.
    And he remembered that day on the cliff path before Xeno had fallen.
    But you can’t reverse time, can you?
    Xeno had fallen. Would always have fallen. No matter how close they were, tried to be, had been, from now on fifty feet separated them.
    The hospital and Xeno holding his hand. Xeno never blamed him. He never spoke about it to Leo or to anyone. It was Leo who couldn’t bear it. Leo who put the distance between them.
    No, thought Leo, the distance was there. I didn’t know how to close the gap so I made it wider.
    MiMi was singing—“
Is that man falling? Or is that man falling in love?”
    And he remembered from school assembly that the Fall is an exile from paradise and that an angel with a flaming sword bars the way.
    This is the place I remember, felt Leo. Delight. Certainty. Recognition. Excitement. Protection. Yes.
    No sleep on it think about it give me a day or two we’ll see maybe I hope so not sure.
    Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes.
    The fall was when the leaves are shed and Leo felt like he was losing his cover. He felt bare and naked. He felt the wind blowing through him. He felt lighter. She blew through him like a salt wind off the sea. “
I wish you a wave of the sea, that you might ever do nothing but that, move still, still so
.”
    —
    “I’ve met someone,” he said to Xeno. “I’d like you to meet her.”
    —
    Xeno was best man at the wedding. The night before the wedding they went out together, just the two of them, and Leo wanted Xeno to give him away—to be the one handing him over to MiMi. Instead he gave Xeno the ring—because that is what the best man carries for the bridegroom.
    Xeno opened the box and took out the diamond. Leo had spent a lot of money. Xeno held the ring to the light. Then he put it on his little finger. Leo was laughing, happy. “I don’t deserve her,” he said.
    “Make sure you do,” said Xeno. “And don’t push her too close to the edge.”
    Leo wanted to speak. He swallowed, wet his lips. Xeno watched him with the concentration of a cat. Xeno took off the ring, polished it on his shirt and put it back in the box, putting the box in his pocket. He poured them both another drink and kissed Leo, as swiftly as if it had never happened, on the mouth.

Fucking stupid, incompetent bastard!
    Cameron had installed the webcam but it had no sound! Leo threw his Himalayan white cushion at the screen. What was he supposed to do? Lip-read?
    MiMi was there. Xeno was there. In the bedroom. Together.
    Xeno was actually lying on the actual bed. MiMi was not actually lying on the actual bed with him but they had probably had sex already in the oversized bathtub. He needed a camera in the bathroom.
    MiMi opened the doors to her dressing room. She said something to Xeno. Leo threw a sweet wrapper at the screen.
He was mainlining Cadbury Mini Eggs.
    WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, BITCH?
    Xeno got up and