The Grand Ballast by J.A. Rock Read Free Book Online Page B

what became of him, and it was frustrating when they
walked on with their heads down.
    Kilroy saw him. Kilroy, who loved reality
and magic and braiding them together into something more special,
more violent than either could be alone. Kilroy, who knew why the
color of the sky mattered, why a stranger’s expression could shape
a moment. Kilroy both found and made miracles, and his touch
stirred something in Bode, made him desperate and joyful and
foolish.
    He closed his eyes as
Kilroy’s fingers curled lightly around his chin. He made a small
noise, frustration and encouragement.
    “ Bode,” Kilroy
whispered.
    Bode opened his eyes and
gazed into Kilroy’s. That unreal blue—a color you’d have to go to
some forgotten place to find. A humanless, glacial landscape in the
far north. A pool in some long unvisited national park.
    Kilroy’s lips pulled back
slightly. “I wish you could see what you look like.”
    For once, Bode didn’t want
a reflection. Didn’t want to see himself looking lost,
anxious, needing .
He wasn’t some innocent. He’d lived a thousand lives onstage and he
knew why people did the things they did—why they hurt each other;
why they loved. Except where was his real world experience? He’d
never been anywhere but this town and the nearby city. He’d never
slept with anyone, or stolen or fought or needed something so badly
he could have broken his teeth on that desire. He had the sense now
of stepping out into air—of being in that fragment of the second
before the fall. He knew nothing —or, nothing that
mattered.
    Kilroy kissed him. Bode
thrust his chest out, cheeks hollowing. His bones and muscles
seemed to thicken until his skin hurt from trying to contain them.
He kissed back, gently at first, and then with a fury that slammed
up against him, rattled him. How the fuck could people be so indifferent,
when there was this in the world?
    He leaned backward,
spreading his knees wider. Kilroy wrapped an arm around his
shoulders and nuzzled his throat until his head tipped back. Kissed
his neck, tongue flicking against the skin, picking up beads of
sweat, teeth scraping gently just below his jaw. Bode’s breath
snagged as Kilroy’s tongue traced the edge of his ear. His balls
tightened and his thighs quivered, and he let his hand hover over
his groin. He wanted to touch himself; wanted Kilroy to touch him.
Hard, fast, until he was impaled and jerking on an unbearable
pleasure.
    He sighed, and it was
nearly a sob.
    Please, please. Give me
something real.
    Kilroy unbuttoned Bode’s
shirt and slipped it off. Bode shivered and leaned in for another
kiss, but Kilroy turned away slightly and eased him instead into an
embrace, Bode’s forehead on Kilroy’s shoulder. “Feel that?” Kilroy
whispered, his fingertips moving lightly over Bode’s trembling
back, cool against the warmth of Bode’s skin. He chuckled softly.
“You’re burning.”
    Bode stayed for a moment in
the safe darkness of Kilroy’s shirt. He was thirsty and had to
piss. He dug his fingers into Kilroy’s shoulders. “I need you.” The
words were something between a sigh and a whimper.
    Kilroy kissed the top of
his head gently. Spread his hand against his naked back, making
large circles on the damp skin. “Are you a virgin?” he
whispered.
    Bode pulled back to look at
him, irritated. “How is that any of your business?”
    “ I’m only
curious.”
    “ I’ve never had…” He
reached for a term that didn’t sound crass. “I’ve never…had
penetrative sex, if that’s what you mean.”
    “‘ Penetrative sex.’” Kilroy
was staring at him with quiet, amused interest. “Are you afraid it
will hurt?”
    Bode’s skin felt tight and
unfamiliar. “What makes you think I’d receive?”
    “ Bodeee.” Kilroy grinned.
“So defensive.”
    Why? Why did everyone think
he was such a prude? “I feel weird talking about things like
this.”
    “ It’s all right.” Kilroy’s
thumb brushed his cheek. “I’m only