The Grand Ballast by J.A. Rock Read Free Book Online

his lips and down his chin. Bode
wrapped his hands around Kilroy’s throat, but Kilroy yanked on his
scalp so hard Bode felt the hair rip.
    Kilroy shoved him back,
watched Bode stumble and then catch himself on the wall. Appraised
him.
    Bode swiped the spit from
his face and rubbed his throbbing scalp. “Asshole,” he
muttered.
    Kilroy grinned again. “Is
my show cruel? Do you feel exploited?”
    Bode stayed silent, hoping
he could get away with not answering.
    Kilroy’s gaze dropped to
his watch. “The others had better be back. What did I tell
them?”
    “ An hour and a half. That
meeting wasn’t even forty-five minutes.” Bode was still thinking
about Harkville. “That’s the kind of stuff you like—no cars or
computers. You said once that you wished people didn’t drive
cars.”
    Kilroy’s brow furrowed.
“You remember that?”
    “ Yes.” Bode was surprised
he did. “You told me the night…” He trailed off. The night of the
concert, the kiss, the beginning.
    Kilroy sat on the edge of
the desk, his leg inches from Bode’s. “I find it pleasant, that
you’re remembering. It was hard to watch you in the Haze. To see
you forget what we had been together.”
    “ You wanted me to
forget.”
    “ No, no. I didn’t want
that. But the Haze was the only way to keep you at
peace.”
    Was that true? Bode had a
faint, sickening recollection of a pain too big to absorb at once,
that had collected on his skin like liquid on soil before slowly
soaking into him.
    Kilroy reached forward and
tilted Bode’s chin up with one finger. “You know, I’ve sometimes
worried you’re going to forget why you’re here. You never forget,
do you?”
    Bode flinched.
    Did he forget?
    Sometimes. Stolen moments
of peace. Pushing guilt away like remnants of a bad
dream.
    “ No.” He pulled away from
Kilroy’s touch.
    “ Is it worse, without the
Haze? Do you wish you didn’t remember?”
    Bode wasn’t sure what
answer Kilroy expected. “I don’t want to be in the Haze
anymore.”
    Kilroy nodded, stood.
“Then it’s good to have you back.” He pulled the jacket straight
one last time then donned his hat. Turned to Bode with a smile.
“And yes, I said once that I liked the idea of a simpler time. Sans
machines. But I’ve changed my tune. Simplicity is key, but I do
like a good show .
And nothing compares to convenience .” He motioned to the
door. “Back to your box, Bode. We hit Hilgarten
tonight.”
     
     
    HERE COMES THE
TRAIN
     
    Then.
     
    Bode had grown up in a
quiet town that clung to the edge of an old industrial city. While
he’d liked his town’s fields and greenery and leaning road signs,
he’d been fascinated by the city’s crammed, gray landscape—gravel
heaps and train tracks, shipping containers and murky puddles that
crept up around his shoes.
    He had a memory of being in
his mother’s arms as she walked through the city. Feeling her
distance and understanding on some primal level that the world did
nothing for or to her but go round. She was spinning him. She
seemed to be knocking trees and clouds loose from his eyes. And
then she stopped. Held him in a moment of dizzy quiet while a low
rumble started in the ground. She pointed to a space between two
buildings. Elevated, rusty train tracks, dripping graffiti. The
whole street shook, and then a train blew by. He watched the blur
of the cars’ windows.
    “ That’s the train,” his
mother said over the noise. “Look, Bode. Here comes the
train.”
     
    ***
     
    The night after the final
performance of the revue at the Little Comet, Bode went to Kilroy’s
place and they each had a glass of plum wine. Bode sprawled in one
of Kilroy’s hard wooden chairs in the kitchen, wild with happiness.
Kilroy’s apartment was stark. The only real decorations were three
black and white framed pictures of numbers. They’d been seeing each
other for nearly a month, but Bode hadn’t been here yet.
    “ Will you miss the show?”
Kilroy asked.
    “ Yeah.