The Jeeves Omnibus by P. G. Wodehouse Read Free Book Online Page A

potty, wasn’t he?’
    ‘Certainly extremely eccentric, sir.’
    ‘Any chance of one of those other relations contesting the will?’
    ‘I do not imagine so, sir. But in such a case Mr Stoker would rely on Sir Roderick Glossop, of course, to testify that the late Mr Stoker, while possibly somewhat individual in his habits, was nevertheless perfectly sane. The testimony of so eminent a mental specialist as Sir Roderick would be unassailable.’
    ‘You mean he’d say why shouldn’t a fellow walk about on his hands, if he wants to? Saves shoe leather, and so forth?’
    ‘Exactly, sir.’
    ‘Then there’s no chance of Miss Stoker ever being anything except the heiress of a bird with fifty million dollars shoved away behind the brick in the fire-place?’
    ‘Virtually none, sir.’
    I brooded on this.
    ‘H’m. And unless old Stoker buys the Hall, Chuffy will continue to be Kid Lazarus, the man without a bean. One spots the drama of the situation. And yet, why, Jeeves? Why all this fuss about money? After all, plenty of bust blokes have married oofy girls before now.’
    ‘Yes, sir. But his lordship is a gentleman of peculiar views on this particular matter.’
    I mused. Yes, I reflected, it was quite true. Chuffy is a fellow who has always been odd on the subject of money. It’s something to do with the Pride of the Chuffnells, I suppose. I know that for years and years I have been trying to lend him of my plenty, but he has always steadfastly refused to put the bite on me.
    ‘It’s difficult,’ I said. ‘One fails for the moment to see the way out. And yet you may be wrong, Jeeves. After all, you’re only guessing.’
    ‘No, sir. His lordship did me the honour to confide in me.’
    ‘Really? How did the subject come up?’
    ‘Mr Stoker had expressed a wish that I should enter his employment. He approached me in the matter. I informed his lordship. His lordship instructed me to hold out hopes.’
    ‘You can’t mean that he wants you to leave him and go to old Stoker?’
    ‘No, sir. He specifically stated the reverse, with a good deal of vehemence. But he was anxious that I should not break off the negotiations with a definite refusal until the sale of Chuffnell Hall had gone through.’
    ‘I see. I follow his strategy. He wanted you to jolly old Stoker along and keep him sweetened till he had signed the fatal papers?’
    ‘Precisely, sir. It was this conversation that led up to his lordship revealing his personal position as concerns Miss Stoker. Until his financial status is sufficiently sound to justify him in doing so, his self-respect will not permit him to propose marriage to the young lady.’
    ‘Silly ass!’
    ‘I would not have ventured to employ precisely that term myself, sir, but I confess that I regard his lordship’s attitude as somewhat hyper-quixotic.’
    ‘We must talk him out of it.’
    ‘Impossible, sir, I fear. I endeavoured to do so myself, but my arguments were of no avail. His lordship has a complex.’
    ‘A what?’
    ‘A complex, sir. It seems that he once witnessed a musical comedy, in which one of the dramatis personæ was a certain impecunious peer, Lord Wotwotleigh, who was endeavouring to marry an American heiress, and this individual appears to have made a lasting impression on his mind. He stated to me in the most unequivocal terms that he refused to place himself in a position where comparisons might be instituted.’
    ‘But suppose the sale of the house does not go through?’
    ‘In that case, I fear, sir –’
    ‘The damask cheek will continue to do business at the old stand indefinitely?’
    ‘Exactly, sir.’
    ‘You really are sure it is “damask”?’
    ‘Yes, sir.’
    ‘But it doesn’t seem to mean anything.’
    ‘An archaic adjective, sir. I fancy it is intended to signify a healthy complexion.’
    ‘Well, Chuffy’s got that.’
    ‘Yes, sir.’
    ‘But what good’s a healthy complexion if you don’t get the girl?’
    ‘Very true,