The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 3 by P. G. Wodehouse Read Free Book Online

would mean choky, you feel?’
    ‘I fancy so, m’lord.’
    ‘Would you be jugged, too, as my clerk?’
    ‘In all probability, m’lord. I am not quite certain on the point. I should have to consult my solicitor.’
    ‘But I would be for it?’
    ‘Yes, m’lord. The sentences, however, are not, I believe, severe.’
    ‘But think of the papers. The ninth Earl of Rowcester, whose ancestors held the field at Agincourt, skipped from the field at Epsom with a slavering punter after him. It’ll be jam for the newspaper boys.’
    ‘Unquestionably the circumstance of your lordship having gone into business as a Silver Ring bookmaker would be accorded wide publicity.’
    Bill, who had been pacing the floor again, stopped in mid-stride and regarded the speaker with an accusing eye.
    ‘And who was it suggested that I should go into business as a Silver Ring bookie? You, Jeeves. I don’t want to be harsh, but you must own that the idea came from you. You were the –’
    ‘
Fons et origo mali
, m’lord? That, I admit, is true. But if your lordship will recall, we were in something of a quandary. We had agreed that your lordship’s impending marriage made it essential to augment your lordship’s slender income, and we went through the Classified Trades section of the telephone directory in quest of a possible profession which your lordship might adopt. It was merely because nothing of a suitable nature had presented itself by the time we reached the T’s that I suggested Turf Accountant
faute de mieux
.’
    ‘
Faute de
what?’
    ‘
Mieux
, m’lord. A French expression. We should say “for want of anything better”.’
    ‘What asses these Frenchmen are! Why can’t they talk English?’
    ‘They are possibly more to be pitied than censured, m’lord. Early upbringing no doubt has a good deal to do with it. As I was saying, it seemed to me a happy solution of your lordship’s difficulties. In the United States of America, I believe, bookmakers are considered persons of a somewhat low order and are, indeed, suppressed by the police, but in England it is very different. Here they are looked up to and courted. There is a school of thought which regards them as the new aristocracy. They make a great deal of money, and have the added gratification of not paying income tax.’
    Bill sighed wistfully.
    ‘
We
made a lot of money up to Newmarket.’
    ‘Yes, m’lord.’
    ‘And where is it now?’
    ‘Where, indeed, m’lord?’
    ‘I shouldn’t have spent so much doing up the place.’
    ‘No, m’lord.’
    ‘And it was a mistake to pay my tailor’s bill.’
    ‘Yes, m’lord. One feels that your lordship did somewhat overdo it there. As the old Roman observed,
ne quid nimis
.’
    ‘Yes, that was rash. Still, no good beefing about it now, I suppose.’
    ‘No, m’lord. The moving finger writes, and having writ –’
    ‘Hoy!’
    ‘– moves on, nor all your piety and wit can lure it back to cancel half a line nor all your tears wash out one word of it. You were saying, m’lord?’
    ‘I was only going to ask you to cheese it.’
    ‘Certainly, m’lord.’
    ‘Not in the mood.’
    ‘Quite so, m’lord. It was only the appositeness of the quotation – from the works of the Persian poet Omar Khayyám – that led me to speak. I wonder if I might ask a question, m’lord?’
    ‘Yes, Jeeves?’
    ‘Is Miss Wyvern aware of your lordship’s professional connection with the turf?’
    Bill quivered like an aspen at the mere suggestion.
    ‘I should say not. She would throw fifty-seven fits if she knew. I’ve rather given her the idea that I’m employed by the Agricultural Board.’
    ‘A most respectable body of men.’
    ‘I didn’t actually say so in so many words. I just strewed the place with Agricultural Board report forms and took care she saw them. Did you know that they issue a hundred and seventy-nine different blanks other than the seventeen questionnaires?’
    ‘No, m’lord. I was not aware. It shows