The Last Straw by Jeff Kinney Read Free Book Online Page A

church bulletin, but his boss spotted him and gave Dad the "thumbs up" on the way out.
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    Wednesday

    Things have kind of been tense around the house since the mess the other day. First of all, Mom was really mad at me for calling Manny "Ploopy," so I had to remind her that she didn't have any problem when MANNY said it. So Mom banned the word for everyone, and she said that if anyone was caught saying it, they'd be grounded for a week. But of course it didn't take long for Rodrick to find a loophole.
    [Image: A boy talking to the other one who is reading.] The caption reads: "MONDAY
    PL-"
    [Image: A boy talking to the other one who is confused.] The caption reads: "TUESDAY
    -OO-"
    [Image: A boy talking to the other one sitting in front of the t.v..] The caption reads: "TODAY
    -PY!"
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    This isn't the FIRST time Mom has banned us from saying certain words in the house. A while back, Mom made a "no swearing" rule, because Manny was picking up new words left and right.

    [Image: The lady looks as the man breaks the cup of tea.]
    The caption reads: "
    @#$%!

    DROP

    SMASH

    @#$%!
    "

    Every time someone said a bad word in front of Manny, they had to put a dollar in his "Swear Jar." So Manny was getting rich off of me and Rodrick.

    [Image: A Desk with books and a jar of sweets.]

    And then Mom upped the ante by banning words like "stupid" and "jerk" and stuff like that.

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    To keep from going bankrupt, me and Rodrick came up with a bunch of code words that meant the same thing as the banned words, and we've been using them ever since.
    [Image: A boy talking to the other as the lady looks.] The caption reads: "SPOOKY STORK!"
    Every once in a while, I forget to switch back when I get to school, and I end up looking dumb. Just today, David Nester spit out a piece of gum and it landed in my hair. I really let loose with everything I had, but I don't think I upset David too much.
    [Image: The boy is talking to the man sitting on the Swing.] The caption reads: "RASPBERRY PLASTIC TICKLE BEAR!"
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    The other thing that's changed since Easter is that Dad has been on me and Rodrick's case. I guess he's tired of us looking bad in front of his boss, Mr. Warren.
    Dad made Rodrick enroll in an SAT class, and he made ME sign up for Rec League soccer.
    Soccer tryouts were tonight. The coaches lined up all the kids for a "skills test," where you had to dribble the ball between some cones and stuff like that.
    I tried my best, but I got ranked "Pre-Alpha Minus," which I'm sure is just adult code words for "You Stink."
    [Image: A man talks to a boy playing with a ball.] The caption reads: "I SAID GO AROUND THE CONES!
    DOINK"
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    After the skills test, they put us on different teams. I was hoping I'd get one of those fun coaches who doesn't take sports too seriously, like Mr. Proctor or Mr. Gibb, but I got the worst one out of the whole bunch, Mr. Litch.
    Mr. Litch is one of these drill sergeant types who likes to yell a lot. Mr. Litch used to be Rodrick's coach, and he's pretty much the reason Rodrick doesn't do sports any more.

    [Image: A man pointing at something as he talks to the boy.]
    The caption reads: "
    YOU NEED A HAIRCUT!"

    Anyway, our first real practice is tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll just get cut so I can get back to playing video games. Twisted Wizard 2 is supposed to come out soon, and I heard it's AWESOME.
    125

    Thursday

    I got put on a team with a bunch of kids I didn't really know. The first thing Mr. Litch did was hand out uniforms, and then he told us to come up with a team name.
    I suggested that we call our team the "Twisted Wizards," and get the Game Hut to sponsor us.
    [Image: Four children talking.]
    Nobody liked my idea, though. One kid said we should call the team the "Red Sox," which I thought was a terrible idea. Number one, the Red Sox are a BASEBALL team, and number two, our soccer uniforms are BLUE.
    But of course everyone else LOVED the idea, and that's the name that won out. Then the assistant coach,