The Last Testament: A Memoir by God, David Javerbaum Read Free Book Online

licked her more than he had in their previous 28 years of marriage.

CHAPTER 16
1 A braham was a worthy patriarch; upright and courageous, and brave, and kind; a great man; and more than that, a humble man; a nice man; just a really, really good guy; Abraham = total sweetheart.
2 But he could be quick-witted and argumentative; and I remember many a lively discussion between us wherein he would express his disagreement over a point of protocol or dogma; which I graciously allowed him to do, smite-free.
3 For example, after I commanded him regarding the new ritual of circumcision, and how it was to be mandatory for his descendants, he said, “L ORD , distinguishing the Chosen People from all other tribes through a physical modification denoting our special covenant, is most wise.
4 My only thought is: what if, instead of circumcision for eight-day-old boys;
5 What if we made it breast augmentation for 17-year-old girls?”
6 We debated this point for the better part of two weeks; the argument swung one way, then the other; circumcision, breast augmentation; breast augmentation, circumcision; each had much to recommend it.
7 For he conceded that circumcision would be a meaningful cultural tradition bridging generations; and I conceded that breast augmentation would be helpful in both recruiting new members, and creating them.
8 But at the end of the debate I clung to my original choice; and lo, 3,600 years later, the Jewish people not only still practice circumcision, it remains central to their sense of identity.
9 Male Jews: you’re welcome.
10 Another time I came to Abraham in a dream, and told him of his people’s future: how before they became a great nation, they would serve as slaves in Egypt for 400 years.
11 “God,” he said, “I must ask: if thou knowest this in advance, why canst thou not keep it from happening, thereby sparing my descendants four centuries of affliction?
12 Moreover, if thou hast power over what hath not yet come, canst thou not unspool the future with a gentler thread; one weaving a tapestry whereby righteousness is always rewarded, and evil always punished; so that mankind may behold with perfect clarity thine infinite justice?”
13 “Interesting; interesting,” I said. “Yet I think I would prefer to work in mysterious ways.”
14 “But consider,” Abraham responded, “how much more reverence humanity would give thee, if it knew it lived in a universe in which the good and the wicked received condign reward and punishment in proportion to their conduct.”
15 “Nah,” I replied. “I hear what thou sayest, but I’m still going with mysterious ways.”
16 “Verily, it is thy world, I just live here,” Abraham continued; “I simply think, a little transparency may prove a useful bulwark for those plagued by anger or doubt; and furthermore—”
17 “Mysteeeeeeerious waaaaaays!” I shouted, attaining a tone of spookiness by using a thick Girgashite accent (Girgashia being the Transylvania of its time), and deploying thunder and lightning effects, and throwing a plastic spider upon him;
18 All of which he took very earnestly, for recall this was all happening as he slept; and so he awoke in his tent screaming, breathing deeply, and with sweat soaking his brow; until at last his passion cooled, and he regained himself, and said with relief, “Oh! It was all a dream”;
19 Whereupon he looked beside him on the floor, and beheld the plastic spider, and screamed “Or was it?!?” ; and I filled the tent once more with evil laughter, and thunder, and more plastic spiders.
20 Yea; Abraham put up with a whole lot of crap from me.

CHAPTER 17
1 B ut nothing compared to the ordeal I put him through 20 years later.
2 I had told Abraham that a great nation would one day spring from his loins; but he and Sarah were old, and she was barren; so she allowed him to be with her handmaiden, Hagar, who had replaced her previous handmaiden, Lee Roth.
3 And Abraham and Hagar lay together; and at some