The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes by E. Henry Thripshaw Read Free Book Online

everyone will hate them, while South Americans will be poor and hot and happy and friendly. Can you see the balance?”
    “Yes,” said Michael the Archangel, impressed by God’s work. Then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, “What’s that one, God?”
    “Ah,” said God. “That’s New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and a fabulous coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent, extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will also be strong in character and will admired and respected by all who come across them.”
    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration. “But, God, you said there will be balance.”
    “Yes,” God replied. “Just wait until you see the twats I’m putting next door to them.”
    Ten Reasons Why it’s Great to Be Australian
    1 You know that your great-great-grandfather was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
    2 Fosters Lager.
    3 You get to dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
    4 Your cricket captain is not afraid to cry live on T V.
    5 Tact and sensitivity.
    6 Bondi Beach.
    7 Other beaches.
    8 Liberated attitudes to homosexuals.
    9 Drinking cold lager on the beach.
    10 Having a bit of a swim and then drinking some cold lager on the beach.
     
    How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander?
    Ask them both “Have you ever fucked a nine-year-old?” – the Kiwi will answer, “Christ, no way, mate! That’s gross.” The Aussie will have a puzzled look on his face and reply, “A nine-year-old what?”
    A New Zealander and an Aussie were chewing the fat one afternoon over a cold tinny. After a while the Aussie said to the Kiwi, “If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related, mate?”
    The Kiwi thought about it for a couple of minutes, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, “Well, I’m not sure about related, mate, but it would make us even.”
    An Australian walks into a bar in London. The barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. They get chatting and at the end of her shift he asks her if she fancies a quick shag. Although she is really attracted to him she sensibly declines. He then offers to pay her £200 for sex. As the barmaid is on a gap year and travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
    The next night the Aussie guy turns up at the bar again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the evening he asks if she fancies a shag again for £200. She thinks to herself, “What the hell – I had a great night last night and I could do with the money” – so she agrees. This goes on for five nights.
    On the sixth night the Aussie walks into the bar again and orders a beer, but this time he takes his drink and just sits in the corner. The barmaid is disappointed and goes over and sits next to him.
    She asks him where he is from.
    “Near Melbourne.”
    “Really? So am I,” she says. “Whereabouts near Melbourne?”
    “Box Hill,” he says.
    “That’s amazing,” she says, “so am I – what street?”
    “North Albert Road,” he says.
    “This is unbelievable,” she says, “what number?”
    He says “Number 20.”
    She is astonished: “You are not going to believe this,” she says, “I’m from number 22 – my parents still live there!”
    “I know,” he says, “your dad gave me £1,000 to give you.”
    Why do so many Australian men suffer from premature ejaculation?
    Because they always have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates about it.
    An Aussie tour guide was driving a group of foreign tourists through the desert to Ayer’s Rock. Along the way he was