The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes by E. Henry Thripshaw Read Free Book Online Page B

share a flat with a guy who was autistic. It was great. I used to put rice in his slippers before I went out. He went absolutely nuts – but not before he had counted them all.
    What’s the last thing you should ever say to an autistic person?
    You do the maths.
    How do you know if your child might be autistic?
    When you can’t save their drawings because they’re drawn in faeces all over your nice white carpet.
AUTOPSIES
     
    Three corpses arrive at the mortuary on the same day, all with very big smiles on their faces. A police inspector, thinking that this strange coincidence requires an explanation, arrives to ask the coroner how they died.
    The coroner shows him the first body. “Englishman, sixty years old, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the coroner.
    He shows the inspector the second corpse. “Scotsman, about twenty-five years old, won £1,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
    “Nothing unusual here,” says the inspector and asks to be shown the last body.
    “Ah,” says the coroner, “Irishman, about thirty years old, struck by lightning.”
    “Why is he smiling then?” enquires the Inspector.
    The coroner replies: “Thought he was having his picture taken.”
    A professor is giving the first-year medical students their first lecture on autopsies and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
    “You must be capable of two things for a successful autopsy. The most important factor is that you must have no fear.” At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s arsehole and then licks it. He then asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, they all reluctantly follow suit. Two students throw up, a third faints to the foor.
    “The second thing”, continues the lecturer, “is that you must have an acute sense of observation. For example, you may or may not have noticed that just now I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index finger.”

BANKERS
     
    What’s the difference between a cattle grid and a banker?
    Nobody slows down to drive over a banker.
    A city financier parks his brand-new Porsche in front of the wine bar to show it off to his colleagues. As he is getting out of the car a van comes flying along and takes the door clean off before speeding away. Distraught, the financier grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the copper has a chance to ask any questions the financier starts screaming, “My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined! It’ll never be the same again.”
    After the anguished financier finally finishes his ranting and raving, the copper shakes his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you city twats are,” he says. “You don’t care about anything but money. You’re so busy thinking about your precious possessions that you don’t know what’s going in your own lives.”
    “How dare you!?” snaps the financier.
    The copper replies, “Well, you’re so concerned about your car that you didn’t even notice that your arm was torn off when the van hit you.”
    The financier looks down in horror at his bleeding shoulder socket. “FUCKING HELL!” he screams, “WHERE’S MY ROLEX??!!”
    What’s the difference between a Lehman Brothers employee and a pigeon?
    A pigeon can still leave a deposit on a brand-new Porsche.
     
    A little old woman walked into the Bank of Scotland carrying a large bag full of money. She insisted on speaking with the bank manager to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money.” After a great deal of negotiating, the bank staff decided to humour her and finally ushered her into the manager’s office. The bank manager asked her how much she would like to deposit. To his astonishment she replied,