The Most Beautiful Woman in Town by Charles Bukowski Read Free Book Online

and tried the numbers. I had to make a kind of stairway out of empty cartons in order to get up to the dial. It didn’t seem to work but I kept trying. Each night, I mean. Meanwhile I was growing fast. Perhaps I was 3 feet tall. The store had a small clothing section and I had to keep going into the larger sizes. The population problem was returning. Then one night the safe opened. I had 23 thousand dollars in cash. I must have hit them the night before banking time. I took the key the manager used in order to get out without the burglar alarm ringing. Then I walked down the street and got a week’s worth of lodging at the Sunset Motel. I told the lady I worked as a midget in the movies. It just seemed to bore her.
    â€œNo television or loud noises after ten p.m. That’s our rule here.”
    She took my money, gave me a receipt and closed her door.
    The key said room 103. I hadn’t even looked at the room. The doors said 98, 99, 100, 101, I was walking north toward the Hollywood Hills, toward those mountains behind them, with the great and golden light of the Lord shining upon me, growing.

THE FUCK MACHINE
    it was a hot night in Tony’s, you didn’t even think of fucking. just drink cool beer. Tony coasted a couple down to me and Indian Mike, and Mike had the money out. I let him buy the first round. Tony rang it up, bored, looked around — 5 or six others staring into their beers, dolts. so Tony walked down to us.
    â€œwhat’s new, Tony?” I asked.
    â€œah, shit,” said Tony.
    â€œat ain’t new.”
    â€œshit,” said Tony.
    â€œah shit,” said Indian Mike.
    we drank at our beers.
    â€œwhat do you think of the moon?” I asked Tony.
    â€œshit,” said Tony.
    â€œyeah,” said Indian Mike, “guy’s an asshole on earth he’s an asshole on the moon. makes no difference.”
    â€œthey say there’s probably no life on Mars,” I said.
    â€œso what?” asked Tony.
    â€œoh shit,” I said. “2 more beers.”
    Tony coasted them down, then walked down for his money. rang it up. walked back. “shit it’s hot. I wish I were deader than yesterdays Kotex.”
    â€œwhere do men go when they die, Tony?”
    â€œshit. who cares?”
    â€œdon’t you believe in the Human Spirit?”
    â€œa bagga bullshit!”
    â€œhow about Che? Joan of Arc? Billy the Kid? all those?”
    â€œa bagga bullshit!”
    we drank our beers, thinking about it.
    â€œlook,” I said, “I gotta take a piss.”
    I walked back to the urinal and there, as usual, was Petey the Owl.
    I took it out and began to piss.
    â€œyou sure got a little dick,” he told me.
    â€œwhen I’m pissing or meditating, yeh. but I’m what you call the super-stretch type. when I’m ready to go, each inch I got now equals six.”
    â€œthat’s good then, if you ain’t lying. cause I see two inches showing.”
    â€œI just show the head.”
    â€œI’ll give you a dollar to suck your cock.”
    â€œthat ain’t much.”
    â€œyou’re showing more than head. you’re showing every bit of string you got.”
    â€œfuck you, Pete.”
    â€œyou’ll be back when you run out of beer money.”
    I walked back on out.
    â€œ2 more beers,” I ordered.
    Tony went through his routine. came back.
    â€œit’s so hot, I think I’m going crazy,” he said.
    â€œthe heat just makes you realize your true self,” I told Tony.
    â€œwait a minute! you calling me a nut?”
    â€œmost of us are. but it’s kept a secret.”
    â€œall right, saying your bullshit is straight, how many sane men are there on earth? are there any?”
    â€œa few.”
    â€œhow many?”
    â€œout of the billions?”
    â€œyeh. yeh.”
    â€œwell, I’d say 5 or 6.”
    â€œ5 or 6?” said Indian Mike. “well, suck my