The New York City Bartender's Joke Book by Jimmy Pritchard Read Free Book Online Page A

saying, “No, you don’t understand. That’s the name of the fish.
It’s called a ‘son of a bitch!’”
    “Oh, I see,” says the priest as he smiles at the big fish.
    The priest goes back to the rectory, goes into the kitchen, and puts the fish on the counter. The altar boy comes in and the
priest says to him proudly, “Will you look at this son of a bitch!”
    The altar boy, taken aback, says, “Father, I’ve never heard language like that from you!”
    “No, no,” says the priest. “That’s the name of the fish, a ‘son of a bitch.’”
    “Oh,” says the altar boy, smiling. “I’ll clean the son of a bitch!”
    As the altar boy is cleaning the fish, the Mother Superior comes into the kitchen and the altar boy says, “Hey, Mother Superior,
look at this son of a bitch!”
    “Young man,” says the Mother Superior sternly, “this is a house of the Lord and such language is not permitted!”
    “Relax,” says the priest to the Mother Superior, “that’s the name of the fish. It’s called a ‘son of a bitch.’”
    “Oh,” says the Mother Superior. “Well, I’ll cook the son of a bitch!”
    The Pope arrives, and after a tour of the village and the church, the priest, the Mother Superior, the altar boy, and the guest
of honor, the Pope, sit down for dinner.
    All eyes are on the Pope as he eats. After two bites of the fish, he exclaims, “This is the best fish I have ever eaten!”
    The priest says, “I caught the son of a bitch!”
    The altar boy says, “I cleaned the son of a bitch!”
    The Mother Superior says, “I cooked the son of a bitch!”
    The Pope looks at all three and says with a smile, “Hey, you fuckers are all right!”

    Did you hear about the new low-fat communion wafer? It’s called “I can’t believe it’s not Jesus!”

    An old couple die at the very same time and go to heaven. They are greeted by God himself. “Welcome! Come on in and enjoy!”
    They walk down a beautiful path that passes a beautiful golf course. They both agree to play eighteen holes.
    From the first hole on, after every shot, the oldman grumbles and swears terribly. He grumbles and swears on the front nine and he swears and grumbles on the back nine as
well.
    Finally the old lady can’t take it anymore. She turns to her husband and says, “What is with you? You have either parred or
birdied every hole here. When we were on Earth, you never broke one hundred! Why are you so pissed off?”
    The old man looks at her and says, “If you hadn’t put me on a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet, I’d have been here fifteen years
ago!”

    Why do golfers bring two pairs of shoes?
    In case they get a hole in one.
    I had to put this one in. I just had to.

    A little boy runs home and says, “Daddy, Daddy, I got a part in the school play!”
    “What part do you have?” asks the proud father.
    “I play a Jewish husband!” says the smiling boy.
    “Son,” says the father, “go back and get a speaking role!”

A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I have a problem.”
    “What’s the trouble?” asks the doctor.
    The guy says, “My asshole is 16 1/2 inches in diameter and I’m getting worried.”
    The doctor says, “What?”
    “My asshole,” the guy says, “is 16 1/2 inches in diameter and I’m worried about it.”
    “Follow me,” says the doctor, and they both go into the examining room. The doctor says, “Take off your clothes, bend over,
and let’s take a look.”
    The guy takes off his clothes and bends over. The doctor takes one look at the guy’s butt and yells, “Holy shit! Your asshole
is 16 1/2 inches wide! What the hell happened!”
    The guy says, “Well, I was on safari in Africa and a bunch of rogue elephants attacked our group, and, well, one of the rogue
elephants had sex with me.”
    “Now wait a minute,” says the doctor. “I think it is common knowledge that, although it is long, an elephant’s penis is not
16 1/2 inches in