The New York City Bartender's Joke Book by Jimmy Pritchard Read Free Book Online Page B

diameter.”
    “Well,” says the guy, shyly, “he fingered me first.”

    What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
    Pokémon.

    How do you get a roomful of blue-haired
    old ladies to say “fuck”?
    Yell out “Bingo!”

    Quasimodo’s mother brings out the wok.
    “Oh boy,” says Quasimodo, “I love Chinese food!”
    “No, you idiot,” says his mother, “I’m ironing your shirts!”

    If you are dyslexic and cross-eyed, do you read right?

    A cowboy goes into a bar and orders a drink. He has on a cowboy hat, cowboy shirt, and cowboy boots with spurs and chaps.
    A woman sitting next to him asks, “Are you a real cowboy?”
    “Well,” the cowboy says, “I’ve been ranching all my life, riding horses, roping steer, branding cows, and mending fences. Yes,
I’m a real cowboy. How about you?”
    The woman says, “Well, when I wake up in the morning, I think of women. During breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I’m thinking of
women. All day long and all night long, I’m thinking of women, and when I sleep, I dream of women. I’m a lesbian!” She finishes
her drink, then leaves.
    The cowboy is perplexed.
    A couple comes in and sits down next to the cowboy. The woman says to the cowboy, “Are you a real cowboy?”
    “Well,” says the cowboy, “I thought I was a cowboy. Now I think I’m a lesbian!”

    What do men and buses have in common?
    They both stop before you get off.

    Why did God create women?
    He couldn’t teach sheep to cook.
    Why did God create men?
    Because a dildo can’t mow the lawn.

    Hear about the gay guy who put a nicotine patch
    on his dick?
    He’s down to two butts a day.

    How do you know you are in a gay church?
    Only half of the congregation is kneeling.

    Why does a gay group want to buy the
    New York Jets?
    Because the team has two tight ends and
    forty players who suck.

    Here’s one for all you animal rights activists…
    A baby seal walks into a club…

    A blind guy walks into a nightclub and starts swinging his dog around. The bouncer runs up to him and says, “What the hell are
you doing?”
    “Just looking around,” says the blind guy.

    Hear about the bartender who was married three times and all three wives died?
    The first wife died of food poisoning. They found out it was poison mushrooms that killed her. The second wife died of food
poisoning, too. Same thing, poison mushrooms.
    The third wife died of a gunshot to the head.
    She wouldn’t eat the fucking mushrooms!

    What’s the difference between a bitch
    and a slut?
    A slut will fuck anybody. A bitch
    will fuck anybody except you.

    In corporate offices, why do blondes have
    a half hour for lunch instead of one hour
    like everyone else?
    It costs too much to retrain them.

    What do puppy dogs and nearsighted
    gynecologists have in common?
    They both have wet noses.

    An Irishman is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a crowd in front of a high-rise building. He looks up and sees
a guy standing on the ledge of the tenth floor, obviously contemplating suicide. The Irishman rushes up and yells, “Don’t
jump, think of your children!”
    “I don’t have any children!” yells the guy on the ledge.
    “Think of your wife!” the Irishman yells.
    “I’m not married!” yells the guy.
    “Think of your mother and father!” yells the Irishman, undaunted.
    “My parents died when I was young!” the guy yells.
    Frustrated, the Irishman yells, “Think of St. Patrick!”
    “Who’s St. Patrick?” the guy on the ledge yells back.
    “Jump, ya Protestant bastard, jump!” replies the Irishman.

    An American is in Ireland drinking in a pub. After a few pints he yells, “I’ll give a hundred dollars to the first guy that
can drink twenty pints ofGuinness in a row, without stopping and without spilling a drop!”
    A hush falls over the crowd. After a minute, a small, thin Irishman pushes his way through the crowd, approaches the American, and
says, “I’ll give it a try, but give me ten minutes