The New York City Bartender's Joke Book by Jimmy Pritchard Read Free Book Online

stands in front of his mirror. “I am old,” he says to himself, “and I will die without ever knowing what
an orgasm is or what it feels like.” He decides to find out.
    He puts on some old work clothes and a baseball cap, goes down the back stairs to the garage, careful not to be seen by anyone.
He walks past the Popemobile and finds the gardener’s old pickup truck. In the dead of night, the Pope drives the pickup truck
out of the Vatican and into the country.
    Five miles into the country, he takes a dirt road and drives five more miles and then stops the truck and gets out. It is
pitch-black out—he can barely see the nose in front of his face. Confident that no one is around, he masturbates. He orgasms,
waits fifteen minutes, and masturbates again. After he orgasms the second time, he climbs back in the truck and makes his
way back to the Vatican. He sneaks back to his bedroom, takes off the old work clothes, and falls fast asleep.
    The next morning he wakes up quite refreshed. He never slept like that before. It is the best sleep he has ever had. He sings
while he is in the shower and dances around the bedroom while he is getting dressed for the day.
    Full of energy and with a smile on his face, he is ready for the new day. As he walks to the door of the bedroom, he notices
a manila envelope on the floor, obviously pushed under the door. He opens the envelope and pulls out an 8x10 glossy of himself
with a baseball cap, his pants down around his ankles, and his hand wrapped around an enormous hard-on. Attached to the picture,
there is a note which says, “I saw you last night. Send $100, 000 tothe address shown and I’ll send you the negatives and the camera.”
    The Pope runs to his safe and opens it, pulls out $100, 000, puts it in an envelope, addresses it, puts a stamp on it, and
runs to the post office and mails it.
    Two days later, a UPS truck pulls up to the Vatican, where the Pope is waiting anxiously. He grabs his package and runs up
to his office, opens the package, and pulls out the negatives and the camera. He throws the negatives and the 8x10 glossy into
the fireplace and waits until there is nothing but ashes. Then he takes the camera and places it on the mantel as a reminder
to never do anything as stupid as that again.
    One year later, the Japanese ambassador is visiting the Vatican. After a tour, the Pope takes the ambassador to his office
for cigars and cognac. As they are smoking and drinking, the ambassador notices the camera on the mantel and reaches for it
to get a closer look.
    “Don’t touch that camera!” yells the Pope. “It is very expensive!”
    “How much you pay for camera?” asks the ambassador.
    “That camera,” says the Pope, “cost me $100, 000!”
    “Oh,” says the Japanese ambassador. “They must have seen you coming!”

    What do the Pope and the New York Jets
    have in common?
    They are the only people who can get
    sixty thousand people to yell ‘Jesus Christ!’
    in unison.

    Did you know that half of all Japanese eye
    doctors have cataracts?
    The other half drive Rincon Town Cars.

    What do Japanese men do when they
    have erections?
    They vote.

    A priest in a small country parish finds out that the Pope is planning a surprise visit to his church. The priest is excited
and decides to do some research on the Pope. He finds out that the Pope loves local food and has a passion for fresh fish,
so he has his staff collect all the fresh vegetables from the local gardens while he goes fishing. He hires a fishing guide
and they head out to the local lake.
    While they are on the lake, the priest hooks a big one. It takes him a half hour to reel it in, andwhen he does, the fishing guide, who has never seen a fish that big in that lake, exclaims, “Will you look at that son of a
bitch!”
    Surprised, the priest says, “Please, I am a man of the cloth, such language offends me.”
    Embarrassed at his outburst, the guide tries to cover it up by