The Pirates! in an Adventure with the Romantics by Gideon Defoe Read Free Book Online Page A

‘Saying something “is a code” isn’t really the hard part. It’s the “working out what the code means” bit that’s tricky.’
    ‘Oh. Bother.’
    Everybody scratched their heads and stared at the Pirate Captain’s belly for a while, apart from Shelley, who grimaced, and the pirate in red, who struggled to climb back aboard the boat whilst still stuck in a seal carcass.
    ‘I’m not normally one for body image issues,’ said the Captain, after a couple of wordless minutes had ticked by, ‘but I’m starting to feel a little self-conscious now. Could we stare at something else for a bit?’
    ‘It’s no use,’ said Mary, straightening up with a sigh. ‘Runes? Hieroglyphs? I can’t make head or tail of it.’
    ‘No,’ agreed Byron. ‘It’s a tricky one. Not really suited to our artistic skillset.’
    ‘Ah well,’ said the Captain. ‘How about an adventure sitting around in deckchairs instead?’
    Byron shook his head. ‘We’re not defeated yet, Captain. Because I think I know just the fellow who could help us!’
    ‘Oh good grief,’ said Shelley, his face clouding over. ‘You don’t mean . . .’
    ‘I do!’ Byron leapt onto a barrel, and stared meaningfully at the horizon, like he was on a book jacket or something. ‘Pirate Captain, we must set sail for London!’
    ‘London?’ the Captain puffed out his cheeks. ‘You realise that sailing from Switzerland to London is more geographically challenging than it sounds? Might add to the expenses.’
    ‘Expenses be damned!’ roared Byron.
    The Captain beamed again. ‘Of all the celebrated historical characters we have ever met, you are easily my favourites.’

Six
     
    Two Tickets To The Corpse Factory
     

     
    The pirates were glad to find that London hadn’t changed much since their last visit. They didn’t like change – partly because it reminded them of their own inescapable mortality, and partly because it meant having to buy new guidebooks, which were really expensive. The city was still stuffed full of flickering gas lamps and soot-covered fog machines and smiling commuters and little match girls setting fire to Beefeaters.
    As Byron led them through the streets of Marylebone, the crew murmured excitedly to each other, because in all their years of creeping towards the lairs of mysterious figures, this was the first time they had ever crept towards the lair of a mathematician. But when they got there, instead of arriving at a mind-bending mathematical plane of reality, they found themselves faced with a perfectly plain terraced house, and, rather than an optical illusion of impossible stairs, there was a regular set of five whitewashed steps leading to the door. There weren’t even any henchmen dressed as numbers, just a grumpy butler who rolled his eyes when he saw Byron.
    ‘Are you sure he’s a mathematician?’ said the Pirate Captain, sensing his lads’ disappointment. ‘It’s not the kind of place I’d expect to find a man from such a glamorous and thrilling profession.’
    ‘No, it’s very strange,’ explained Byron, as the grumpy butler ushered them into the hallway. ‘He’s something of a maverick. Some while ago he turned his back on the heady, live-fast-die-young world of the maths establishment, and adopted an entirely different approach to the subject. It’s best if you let me do the talking, because he’s so staid and unadventurous that if he realises you’re a pirate I suspect his head might explode from the shock of it all.’
    ‘You don’t honestly think he could see through my disguise?’ asked the Pirate Captain, incredulous. In those days piracy was frowned on as a profession, and the beady-eyed London police force lurked on every street corner, so, as always when visiting the Big Smoke, the pirates were in disguise. The crew were all disguised as stern Victorian nannies, while the Pirate Captain was disguised as a sexy fireman. He was adamant that this was because there hadn’t been enough