The Pirates! in an Adventure with the Romantics by Gideon Defoe Read Free Book Online Page B

Victorian nanny costumes to go around.
    ‘He doesn’t get many callers,’ said Byron with a shrug, ‘and I’m fairly sure he never gets visits from sexy firemen. He may be boring, but he’s terribly smart.’
    ‘What is it this time, Byron?’ An irritable voice floated out from one of the rooms. ‘Do you require help counting your toes again? Dividing up a cake? Telling the time?’
    When he stepped out into the hallway the owner of the voice appeared just as irritable as he sounded. He polished his glasses, and blinked at his visitors myopically, looking like a cross owl or, in nautical terms, a poorly tuna fish. He scowled so hard that for a moment the Pirate Captain was worried he would scowl his face into a little brown walnut. He’d seen it happen before. Or at least he thought he had. He didn’t remember everything perfectly.
    Byron gave the man a cheerful punch on the shoulder. ‘Hello, Babs! Admit it. My visits are the only colour in your drab little life. Everybody, I’d like you to meet Charles Babbage. Babbage, I’d like you to meet my new friends. You already know Shelley here. And this is his fiancée, Miss Mary Godwin. These are some stern Victorian nannies, and this is my close friend, a sexy fireman. You may recognise him from the best-selling calendar last Christmas.’
    The Pirate Captain was relieved to see that Babbage’s calendar featured sexy logarithm tables rather than firemen. The mathematician sighed and waved them into his study. 18 It was choc - a - bloc with clutter , but the room ’ s most striking feature was a huge complicated machine , covered in dials , numbers and brass cogs . Hundreds and hundreds of cogs , all whirring and clicking back and forth like nobody ’ s business .
    ‘That’s a lot of cogs,’ said the Pirate Captain politely.
    ‘Damn straight it’s a lot of cogs,’ said Babbage.
    ‘Is it some sort of trouser press?’ Mary gave the contraption a bit of a poke.
    ‘No, it is not some sort of trouser press. It is a difference engine . A mechanical brain, if you will. Not something a poet or a sexy fireman could really be expected to understand. Please don’t touch it.’
    Babbage pointed sternly to where he’d taped a cardboard sign onto the wall:
     

     
    ‘It’s very impressive, Mister Babbage,’ said Jennifer, smiling sweetly. Jennifer was good with people.
    ‘TEACH ME WHAT IT IS TO BE HUMAN,’ said the pirate with gout, doing a difference engine voice. A few of the other pirates giggled, until a glower from Babbage made them stop and stare at the floor. 19 The mathematician went back to studying his blackboard . ‘ Now , tell me your problem and then shoo .’
    ‘Well, you know how it is,’ said Byron, looking around hopefully for some gin. ‘A man with my hair and physique mustn’t trouble himself with numbers. They’re literally poison to me. Did I ever tell you how I once caught consumption simply from being in the same room as a times table?’
    ‘Oooff,’ Babbage sighed again. ‘Do get on with it, man.’
    ‘Now, Babs, if you’re going to be like that,’ said Byron, ‘then perhaps we’ll take my friend’s mysterious code elsewhere . . .’ He winked at the Pirate Captain.
    Babbage straightened up a bit, equations apparently forgotten.
    ‘Did you just say “mysterious code”?’ For the first time since they arrived, he almost made eye contact. ‘Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?’ He hurried over to shut the door, then turned to face the Pirate Captain. ‘I do apologise, sexy fireman. I get quite wrapped up in my numbers, and Byron’s maths questions are usually so frivolous that I want to tear my hair out and eat it. But I do love puzzles! And codes are the best kind. 20 Can my butler get you anything ? A cup of tea ? What do sexy firemen normally drink ? Let me take that hose , it looks rather heavy . Sit ! Sit !’
    ‘Oh, no offence taken,’ said the Captain. ‘We all have our little obsessions. As a