The Pirates! in an Adventure with the Romantics by Gideon Defoe Read Free Book Online

she asked.
    ‘Sorry?’
    ‘It’s just that you seem to be suffering from some sort of . . . terrible spasms.’
    ‘Devilishly attractive spasms?’
    ‘Not exactly .’
    The Captain deflated a bit, stopped flexing, 15 and sat down on a barrel .
    Shelley looked cross. ‘I hope that little episode wasn’t supposed to constitute our adventure? Because I have several doubts about the incident’s veracity.’
    ‘It wasn’t just an adventure, I was killing two birds with – oh, never mind,’ the Captain trailed off and decided to stare sulkily at the horizon. Everybody hovered awkwardly. A few of the crew did their best to melt into the background. Again, not literally, because that would be horrific.
    ‘Goodness me,’ said Mary, after a while, just to break the tension. ‘You certainly have a lot of tattoos, Pirate Captain.’ 16
    The Pirate Captain grunted.
    ‘Yes. What’s that one?’ asked Shelley, pointing at his chest. ‘Is it a sleepy caterpillar?’
    ‘No,’ said the Captain. ‘It’s a terrifying sea monster.’
    ‘How about this one? Is that a muscly horse?’
    ‘It’s a mermaid. Mermaids are unexpectedly hard to draw.’
    ‘And what on earth,’ said Mary, ‘is that meant to be?’ She pointed to a series of symbols stretching across the Captain’s belly:
     

     
    ‘Ah,’ said the Captain, following her gaze. ‘Actually that one IS a genuine mystery.’ He sighed a rueful nostalgic sigh. ‘You see, back when I was a lad in Pirating Academy, I had a mad old mentor, Calico Jack. Famed as the best pirate from Sussex to Shanghai, but almost preternaturally forgetful. Never remembered to carry any stationery supplies, so whenever anything important came up he tended to use his students as notepads.’ The Captain pointed to a line of text etched into the skin just above the symbols –
     
    Here lies the key to every heart’s desire!
     
    ‘See? He was always writing things like that down on us. My left buttock has a note on it reminding him to pick up a prescription.’
    ‘The key to every heart’s desire! Why, but that sounds intriguing!’ boomed Byron. The pirate with a scarf was starting to wonder if he had any other way of saying words that wasn’t ‘booming’.
    ‘Yes, but as you can see, unfortunately it’s just those gibberish symbols after that,’ said the Captain with a shrug.
    Mary stroked her chin thoughtfully. ‘You’ve never thought to discover what these symbols might mean?’
    ‘To be honest,’ said the Captain, ‘I suspect it means he was quite drunk when he tattooed it on me in the first place.’ 17
    ‘You must have some inkling?’
    ‘Not really. I seem to remember a vague story about Calico’s grandfather.’ The Captain wrinkled his nose as he thought back. ‘Gave a lift to this inscrutable European gent, who, one ghostly night during their voyage, after rather too much grog, supposedly told old Calico Senior some profound sort of secret. But that was Calico for you, always arching an eyebrow and saying something enigmatic for no good reason. Probably imagined the whole thing.’
    ‘Well, don’t you see?’ laughed Byron heartily. ‘That’s it! That’s our adventure! It’s been under our noses all this time! Well, under your belly button, at any rate. A grand quest to uncover the mysterious meaning behind your tattoo!’
    ‘Really? But where would we start? It’s just some funny marks,’ said the Captain, frowning. ‘Isn’t it?’
    ‘I don’t think it’s just some funny marks, Captain,’ said Mary, squinting closely at the tattoo. ‘I think it must be a code of some sort.’
    ‘Exactly!’ cried Byron. ‘A code! A code that will reveal the key to every heart’s desire! All the best adventures have codes in them.’
    The Captain contemplated his belly anew. ‘A code, eh? Well, fancy that! All this time I thought it was nonsense, and it turns out to be a code. Mystery solved! Who’s for cocktails?’
    ‘No, Captain,’ said Mary.