The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile by Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson Read Free Book Online Page A

renown, political prominence (senator, governor, cabinet minister), or an inherited title.
    Often, but not always, Turtles are accomplished in their own right, but their shells are so thick and isolating they are unable to or unaware of how to take advantage of their position in the world. Doors have been open to them their whole lives. But being Turtlelike, they’re too fearful to come out of their shells and cross over to assume their rightful place on the other side of the velvet rope—that is, until you climb on their back and steer them in the right direction.
    The relationship between you and your Turtle is not exploitative. Your Turtle is not a beast of burden. Your Turtle takes youto the party, but you show him how to have a good time and introduce him to all the new and exciting people you wouldn’t have met without him. A smart social climber is always nice to the Turtle; unlike fleas or other parasites, you do not feed off your Turtle, you devour the good life together.
    As you become a more accomplished climber, in all likelihood you will acquire more than one Turtle. When that happens, you must always remember to make each Turtle feel special. Though the relationship can become so intimate that your reflection will virtually be painted on your Turtle’s shell, you should never, never, never have sex with your Turtle. You won’t be tempted, but your Turtle will, even if you are average-looking.
    When your friendship with your Turtles has given them the newfound self-confidence to bring up the subject of sex (and they will), soften your rejection by telling them you love them like a brother or sister and introduce them to people who like to have sex with Turtles but have no social ambitions of their own. If you do not know anyone who will fit this bill, you can meet them by attending a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting.
    Whereas Turtles are slow, unattractive, and reliable rides, Swans, both the male and the female of this subspecies of social transport, are as unpredictable as they are unnaturally beautiful. Swans are usually but not always models, actors, or actresses. Being Swans, i.e., gorgeous, they are invited everywhere—in part because rich and powerful people who throw parties want to have sex with them, but more often simply because Big Fish want to make their friends
think
they have had sex with them. Swansare sometimes but not always less intelligent and less socially connected than Turtles. But there are exceptions, i.e., “It” girls, who are female Swans with jobs in the fashion industry that don’t pay enough for them to afford to get fatter than a size four.
    Swans will be happy to bring someone as average as yourself to a social function, either a) because they are so beautiful they are insecure that they have nothing else to offer, or b) because if they appear to have a date, it’ll be easier for them to say no to their host’s or hostess’s sexual advances without offending them.
    But know this about Swans: Yes, it’s fun to ride on such gorgeous backs, but you are not their “date.” They have brought you to the party because if they meet someone who can advance their careers or make them forget the heartbreak of being so beautiful, they can fly off without having to say good-bye and/or inform you that you are being dumped for the night.
    Though Swans are not listed in the DSM, many psychiatrists categorize them as borderline personality types. Whether that is fact or vengeful thinking on the part of the members of the medical profession who do not get to ride Swans is open to debate. But implicit in the symbiotic relationship between Swans and social climbers is the unspoken understanding that, though the Swans may hold your hand, grind themselves provocatively against your nether regions on the dance floor, call you Darling, and say they love you, they know you’re a social climber, not a real date.
    You, like everyone else, will want to have sex with your Swan. Do not sleep with