The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile by Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson Read Free Book Online Page B

your Swan.
    Due to the fact that they are as lacking in self-esteem as the Turtles, when they are depressed or bored, they might even suggest an unnatural coupling. Resist. The surest way to lose your Swan is to sleep with him or her. Why? Because when you add sex to the equation, Swans will know that you, just like everybody else, want to use them.

TEST YOUR SOCIAL CLIMBING IQ
    E ven if you scored well enough on our psychological test to indicate that you have a personality ideally suited for Mountaineering, and are fortunate enough to already have met a Swan or a Turtle who is ready, willing, and able to take you somewhere you want to go, before you step out the door we have one final homework assignment for you to complete. The following test will help you determine what rung of the ladder you’re ready to reach for.
    1. What’s the first thing you do when you get to a cocktail party where you don’t know anyone?
    a) Ask your host to introduce you to someone who might want to sleep with you.
    b) Pretend you see a friend across the room and wave to someone you don’t know.
    c)Head to the bar and get bombed to make yourself feel less like a loser.
    d) Introduce yourself to someone who is also being ignored.
    2. When is it the “right time” to tell a Big Fish you find them sexually attractive?
    a) When you can’t pay your rent.
    b) After the Big Fish has given you a Ferrari.
    c) Never.
    d) As soon as the Big Fish tells you they are getting divorced.
    3) What is the best way for a nobody to get into the hottest nightclub on the planet?
    a) Borrow a couture outfit and offer the doorman/woman a hundred dollars.
    b) Shave your head and say the Make-A-Wish Foundation put you on the guest list.
    c) Claim you are bringing medication to a celebrity you saw enter previously.
    d) Lurk in the gutter and look for underage wealthy Whale spawn and tell the doorman/woman you are their chaperone.
    4)Which of the following will
not
help you make friends with celebrities?
    a) A baby cheetah bite.
    b) Make him/her paranoid by telling them that their other friends want them to get fat.
    c) Knowledge of bowling.
    d) Inviting them to your home.
    5) Which of the following will help the social climbing golfer get into a WASP country club?
    a) Being a scratch golfer and having $100 million.
    b) Having a beautiful wife.
    c) Looking as if he/she is constipated.
    d) Using big words in an interview with the membership committee.
    6) Which of the following do you need to know when flying on a private jet?
    a) If you are caught bringing drugs on board the Whale’s plane, they will be confiscated.
    b) Altitudes in excess of thirty thousand feet produce flatulence in miniature dogs.
    c)If you are the last on board and the flight is full, you will be sitting on a well-upholstered toilet.
    d) All of the above.
    7) What should the social climber
never
do at a charity dinner?
    a) Change the
placemente
when no one is looking.
    b) Pay for his or her own ticket.
    c) Give the false impression that he or she is on the benefit committee.
    d) Eat other people’s lamb chops.
    8) Skilled networkers should:
    a) Replace their mentors as often as they update their software.
    b) Always question the intelligence of a Big Fish who is eager to help them.
    c) Not complain if asked to take their bosses’ urine samples to the lab.
    d) All of the above.
    9) When the yachting set uses the word “burgee,” they are referring to:
    a) A guest who is sleeping with the yacht owner while on board.
    b)A guest who likes to sleep with crew members.
    c) A small flag that indicates which yacht club the owner is a member of.
    d) The enclosed structure at the stern of the ship above the main deck.
    10) What is the best way to ingratiate yourself with a wealthy family?
    a) Make a good impression on their dogs.
    b) Agree with them when they complain about their staff.
    c) Volunteer to provide an alibi if one of them gets arrested.
    d) Tell them you want to be adopted.
    11) Friendship