The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile by Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson Read Free Book Online

services and the art gallery openings you’ve been attending. Strange but true: You will no longer be a deadbeat if you raise your paddle and bid against Peter Brant, the polo-playing billionaire art collector/industrialist husband of aging supermodel Stephanie Seymour for a $120 million dead shark floating in formaldehyde signed by Damien Hirst. Now the gallery assistants who didn’t believe you had a financial advisor will not only make a point of introducing you to the artist they’re showing at the next opening, they’ll also invite you to the swank and exclusive dinner that will invariably be held afterward. Word of caution: Stay in the bidding long enough to be noticed, but drop out in time to avoid being arrested for making the winning bid on a $120 million dead fish when you only have sixteen dollars in your bank account.
    5. There isn’t a Church of Upward Mobility . . .  yet.
    Social climbing in the right house of worship will not only bring you closer to heaven, it can make your prayers come true.
             Every major city in the world has one special church, cathedral, temple, or mosque where the elite absolve themselves of the sins they committed to get where they are. Find the powerhouse of faith in your city and start praying—you never know who will be on their knees next to you at holiday time. Casually mention that due to a foul-up with airlines, you can’t fly home for Christmas, Yom Kippur, or Ramadan, and you just might find yourself breaking bread with a Big Fish.
    For those who live in California, especially readers with aspirations in the entertainment industry, the Church of Scientology is of course a viable alternative. But we must caution thosewho are considering the L. Ron Hubbard route in their climb—with Scientology there is always the risk that before you can start climbing, you’ll have to spend a year or two putting starch in John Travolta’s briefs.
    6. Do your homework. Memorize the names and faces pictured on the party pages of
Vanity Fair
,
Vogue
,
New York Magazine
, or that glossy city mag that’s published in whatever metropolis you currently reside in. Keep track of who and what social functions appear in the Style section of the
New York Times
and
W
magazine. Check out Bill Cunningham’s “Evening Hours” pics,
New York Social Diary
, and society shutterbug Patrick McMullan’s website. Monitor those mentioned in gossip columns like “Page Six” and in the society rags like
Avenue
,
Hamptons Magazine
,
South Beach Magazine
, and so on. By the time you finish reading this book, many of the names and faces that appear in them will already be déclassé, but they will still be able to introduce you to people who aren’t.
    Remember, there is nothing wrong with claiming to be friends with boldface celebs you haven’t met, but only amateurs drop their first names.
    With hard work, a little luck, and a few liberties with reality at the above-mentioned events, you might have the good fortune to have already stumbled upon what every social climber needs—anew best friend who will serve as your champion, Sherpa, and guide.
    As a social climber who’s just starting off, you will have many rivers to cross, some so wide and treacherous, so filled with obstacles, they might take years to traverse—unless you find someone willing to carry you on their back. People who provide this service fall into two categories, which we like to refer to as Turtles and Swans.
    Turtles are individuals who have social resources they are too shy, awkward, and insecure to take advantage of or exploit on their own, i.e., Turtles are unlike you. Sometimes, but not always, they are inhibited by a physical handicap other than their shell—a lisp, a stutter, a limp, a case of acne that makes them resemble a parboiled parrot. But a good Turtle always has parents and/or grandparents who possess at least two of the following: old money, new money, artistic accomplishment, international