The Troublesome Offspring of Cardinal Guzman by Louis De Bernières Read Free Book Online Page B

revealed.
    ‘We have always shared everything anyway,’ said Lena.
    ‘We decided not to fight over you,’ added Ena.
    ‘And now you know why marriage would be a problem, so we are both coming to live with you. If you still want us to, of course.’
    ‘Two?’ I repeated, miserably, ‘How can I cope with two?’
    ‘We love you,’ said Ena. ‘And you love us,’ said Lena, ‘and we will try not to be jealous and have fights.’
    They both nodded in agreement with each other, and said, ‘We promise.’
    ‘And do you promise,’ I asked, ‘not to get your own way all of the time just because there are two of you and only one of me?’
    ‘O no,’ laughed Ena, ‘this is a democratic city, and each of us has only one vote, so you will never win.’
    ‘You do not have a chance,’ said Lena. ‘And anyway, monogamy was an invention of men who wished to reduce the power of women over them. We intend to put that right.’ They began to giggle again.
    ‘What about your parents? I have no wish to be shot.’
    ‘They think that you are rich and famous, and in any case they do as we tell them. Profesor Luis taught us to read and to calculate, but they are ignorant, so really we are in charge of them, and they are our children.’
    ‘And the constitution of the city says that in matters like this you can do as you like. Hectoro has three wives, Dionisio Vivo has scores of them, and Consuelo and Dolores have every man in the town sooner or later, except that they are not going to have you.’
    ‘Ever.’
    ‘Or else.’
    ‘I am tired,’ announced Lena, ‘let us all go to bed.’
    ‘Me too,’ said Ena, pretending very archly to yawn. They laughed at me as I stood, rigid with trepidation, and I said, ‘I need a strong drink.’
    It was one year later, and in fact we had all got married, because Father Garcia said that identical twins were made from a single split egg, and that therefore Ena and Lena were, scientifically speaking, and therefore in the eyes of God also, only one person. He also said that in his opinion, which was informed by personal encounters with angels, God did not really give a damn about how people organised their sexual lives, as long as all that they did was motivated by love in one of its infinitely varied forms.
    I was walking with my friend Antoine, and was talking with him about these extraordinary events. I asked him, ‘How did they fool me? And how did no one else know either?’
    He put his arm around my shoulder, and replied, ‘My friend, love has no eyes. You know, we all knew all of the time. On the one hand we were all very happy for you, and on the other hand it is always amusing to play jokes on Mexicanos.’
    ‘How did you know, you old goat? Come on, tell me.’
    He tapped the side of his nose knowingly; ‘Around here everybody talks, and you know, cabrón, those two were not the only ones who used to sit up here and listen to your music. I come up a great deal myself, though I have to say that I think it is about time that you learned some new pieces. That is advice from a good friend, or maybe you will begin to lose your audience.’
    ‘A good friend?’ I exclaimed. ‘And anyway, I do not have much free time these days, with seven giant jaguars and two women to exploit my time and my goodwill all simultaneously.’
    ‘And soon you will have even less time,’ said Antoine.
    I must have shown my puzzlement, because he added, ‘You mean that they have not told you? Always the last to know? How wonderful. But I am not going to be the one who tells you; you had better ask them.’
    I managed to extract a confession from Ena and Lena that same evening, and I remember exclaiming, ‘What? Both of you at once? O, Santa Virgen.’
    They nodded sweetly, and Ena took a cigarette, lit it, and put it into my mouth, saying, ‘We were going to tell you tomorrow.’

7
The Submission Of The Holy Office To His Eminence (1)
    I will state my case against my people
    for all the wrong