The Troublesome Offspring of Cardinal Guzman by Louis De Bernières Read Free Book Online

times. The first time He whispered to Hectoro and Pedro and Consuelo the whore to go and prevent Farides from being raped; the second time we were inspired to piss and shit and drop a dead steer in the river to poison them, and we frightened them by putting animals in their sleeping bags, and Felicidad was given divine force to go and infect all their officers with common gonorrhea and Barranquilla syphilis. The third time we were given tactics that enabled us to massacre them without one loss of life amongst ourselves.
    But that is not the most miraculous, for when we left the village He provided an earthquake that simultaneously emptied the lake in this valley so that we can live in it, and also poured the water into the Mula valley so that the soldiers could not follow us. Then our prodigious cats, provided by God, brought us food as we travelled. In addition He provided an avalanche that revealed the bodies of the conquistadores subsequently unfrozen by Aurelio to help us build the city where we now live harmoniously like the angels that we are.
    From this it is to be concluded that God wishes us to flourish and to be the vanguard of the capture of this world by the angelic nature within us, purifying matter until it too becomes spirit. For when it is spirit Satan will have no more dominion over it, since his dominion is solely over the grossly material. It is our solemn duty to God, therefore, to reproduce and to populate the world with others such as ourselves, so that we may overwhelm the world with our convivial beneficence. Between ourselves, it would be no surprise to me if onemorning we all woke up and discovered that we had got our wings back and could mate by mingling our bodies entirely.
    But until that time, let us fortify ourselves with good food, including meat, and fornicate munificently so that no one will sleep at night for the mewling of babies and the necessity of changing shit-laden garments. Let mothers be sleepless from suckling and maidens sleepless from copulation.
Deo gratias. Dominus vobiscum.
Amen.

6
Ena And The Mexican Musicologist (3)
    WHEN I AWOKE in the morning I found that Ena had slipped away, and that I was sharing the bed only with the sybaritic bundle of cats. When I finally managed to get them off in order to rearrange the sheets, I found a little spot of blood where Ena had joyfully disposed of her virginity.
    That evening Ena arrived at the usual time, and as she sat down I produced a little box and presented it to her. She opened it to reveal my grandmother’s engagement ring, and I said, ‘Ena, will you marry me? Please?’
    She sat there looking at the ring, and her face seemed to go quite pale; ‘I would love to,’ she said, ‘but I think the fact is that I cannot.’ I thought that she looked miserable.
    ‘If you want to, then you can. What reason is there against it?’
    ‘It is for a reason that I cannot tell you yet, but when I do tell you, I think that you will understand.’ Her face brightened up, and she said, ‘But I can just live with you, if you would like it.’
    Perplexed, I exclaimed, ‘But I would rather marry you.’
    ‘And I would rather marry you as well, but it would be unfair.’
    ‘To whom? Your parents?’
    She became agitated, and said, ‘O no, but I cannot explain that either just yet. But I promise that I will tell you tomorrow, I promise it.’
    Bemused, I said, ‘Bueno, but you will come and live with me?’
    She smiled coyly. ‘O yes, indeed.’
    I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, saying, ‘Now come to bed with me.’
    She appeared to be absolutely shocked, and reiterated, ‘Bed?’
    ‘Yes, bed. Last night was so delicious that I have been unable to think of anything other than making love with you again.’
    ‘Last night? Again?’ She appeared to be perplexed.
    ‘Are you telling me that you have forgotten? Is this another of your little jokes?’
    She remained motionless, and then said, ‘No, of course I have not