The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant by Drew Hayes Read Free Book Online Page A

as possible. Once everyone is accounted for, we can get this game started!” He threw his fist in the air at that last line, then took a deep bow. He left his soapbox of a stage (yes, it was actually a soapbox; no, I have no idea where he found such a thing) to the sound of scattered clapping.
    If you are wondering, I was most certainly not one of those clapping.
    “Please explain to me how this is an errand,” I told Krystal with as much unfriendliness as I was able to conjure into my voice. It wasn’t much.
    “It’s no big deal,” she said, taking my hand and leading me over to a line that had sprung up around a large folding table decorated with badges, sheets of a paper, and one solo attendant (presumably Albert) doing his damndest to keep up with the influx of people swarming him. “There have been some reports of a shambling figure seen here after hours, and a few reports of missing animals. Ten bucks says it’s just some kid staying late to practice his act and a coincidental upturn in runaways, but I have to come check this out anyway.” 
    “Well . . . how long does it usually last?” I asked, already feeling the familiar symptoms of caving in to doing what someone else wanted me to.
    “Only three hours, and we should be gone in half of that,” Krystal said. She wrapped her arms around me, then slithered her hand up to my head and gently raked her fingernails through my hair while pressing close to me, making her . . . non-mental assets very apparent.  “I promise there will still be ample time to go ignore a movie,” she purred.
    One thing about being a vampire that doesn’t entirely suck, pun unremorsefully intended, is the ability to sense and pick up on things humans miss all the time. For example, when Krystal wrapped herself around me like that, I heard her heart beat increase, felt the warmth of blood flow to various places, and smelled the increase of pheromones she was putting out. It’s one thing to have a beautiful woman blatantly flirting with you; it’s a whole other thing to have biological evidence she really means it.
    “Um . . . well . . . we . . . okay,” I said, giving in, to no one’s surprise (especially not my own). Krystal kissed me on the cheek and pulled back her body while dialing down the sex appeal, though not quite letting either slip away from me entirely.
    “You’re the best, Freddy. And who knows? You might even have fun.”
    “I seriously doubt that,” I said as we moved ever so slowly through the throng of would-be players clamoring for their badges.
    “Why not?” Krystal asked.
    “I can’t do pretend very well. I mean, I like the idea of acting, but I get so nervous. Remember when I tried out for the theatre program sophomore year? I vomited all over the stage before I finished my first line . ”
    “Oh yeah, you know I’d forgotten that,” she said. “Still, it wasn’t as bad as when you tried out for choir.”
    “Let us not visit that rest stop on memory road. My stomach is churning already,” I said.
    Krystal let out a surprisingly throaty laugh. It drew looks from the few un-distracted players around us. I suppose they were sensitive to the idea of laughter, but upon seeing it wasn’t directed at them, most just turned their attention back to the table. There were a few who didn’t, and given how Krystal looked in comparison to most of the others there, I could hardly blame them.
    “You can’t throw up, dum-dum,” Krystal told me when she was done giggling. “I mean that literally. Your kind doesn’t have the ability to do that.”
    “We don’t?” I asked.
    “Have you tried?”
    “Why on earth would I try?” I said, a touch exasperated that she still seemed to know more about what I was than I did.
    “Hmm, good point. Yes, you can’t puke. It’s one of those things you lost.”
    “Oh,” I said. I didn’t mean for it to sound sad. It certainly wasn’t a great loss, the ability to void my stomach in a backwards direction,