The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant by Drew Hayes Read Free Book Online Page B

but it was yet again one more thing that made me less human. Those were becoming all too frequent for my liking.
    “Cheer up, buttercup,” Krystal said as we reached the front of the line. She whispered to me before turning to Albert the attendant, “One day I’ll help you discover all of the things you’ve gained. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by a few of them. I know I will.” With that line lingering in my ear and echoing through my libido, she did an about face to speak with the young man staring up (though not quite as up as he should have been to see her face) at her.
    “Krystal Jenkins and Freddy Fletcher checking in,” she said with a warm smile. It seemed to catch poor Albert off guard, as he suddenly turned flustered and began digging about for our badges. Of course, given how unfriendly everyone seemed to have been to him, I could understand why he would falter at a changeup. He was young and wore a dirty black shirt and dirtier black pants. I wasn’t sure what the organizer had made him do before this, but I only imagine it involved digging because that kid reeked of earth. Not a bad smell really, just a potent one.
    He finally found our badges and handed them both to Krystal. He hesitated for a moment before letting go and looked at mine, then up at me, then back at mine.
    “Is that what you’re going to wear?” Albert asked in a not-quite-squeaky, not-quite-grown-up teenage voice. Though the question was probing, his tone was surprisingly friendly.
    I looked at my ensemble. I was wearing a robin’s egg blue sweater vest on top of a white buttoned-down shirt along with a pair of black slacks and sensible black shoes. I did stand out a bit compared to everyone else, but I hadn’t really been told to dress for this, now had I?
    “Um, is that a problem?” I asked him.
    “Not a problem, just wondering. Your character is your character,” he said, handing me a sheet of paper, then motioned me to the side so he could help the next person. “Personally, I think it’s really neat that you decided to take your costume in a different direction. You two have a great night.”
    I joined Krystal a few strides away from the line. “What’s wrong with my outfit?” I asked her.
    “It doesn’t fit your character so well,” she said, a wicked grin lighting up her face.
    “Oh, yes, on that note, this whole event requires registration and character creation beforehand. So how is it that you just happened to have an ID badge ready for me and under my name?” I asked, really just for form. The answer was all too obvious.
    “I thought this would suck, so I wanted company. Sexy, dangerous, vampire company,” she said, the laughing smile staying firmly on her face as she reached out and put her hand against my chest.
    “Shhh!” I fervently whispered, welling up with panic. “What if someone hears you?”
    “Check your badge there, Freddy. It’s black-print information. Everyone will know when they see you,” Krystal said, pulling her own badge out and affixing it to her shirt.
    “Huh?” I said idiotically, and I looked at the front of my clothes. Sure enough, clearly slipped on there when she touched my chest, was my badge affixed carefully on the breast pocket of my sweater vest. It took me a moment to unravel its words as I read them upside down.
    It said: “Name: Count Fredrick. Race: Vampire.” Then in red print below that it said: “Faction: Revivalist. “
    “You made me a vampire?”
    “You did say you hated pretending.”
    “Are you one too?” I asked, not bothering to read her tag. Given where she had attached it on her shirt, I could see no easy way to read it without being something of a pervert.
    “I’m Sunny the Succubus,” she said, her voice up a few registers and her tone lilting. She sounded like a mixed breed between the stereotype of a cheerleader and the stereotype of a valley girl.
    “What’s a succubus?” I asked.
    “Demon slut,” she said simply in her