The Weight of Destiny by Nyrae Dawn Read Free Book Online Page B

her eyes. She cares. They both do. I get that. But how can I tell Mom’s secret? She’s been able to keep it all this time. We’ve been able to keep it. I’d be lying if I pretended that someone finding out didn’t scare the crap out of me.
    It would make my life-story true.
    It would take the control that I so need out of my hands.
    “Nothing.” I shake my head. “The ah meant nothing, and the thing the other day wasn’t that big a deal. It’s not even worth talking about. Did you guys start your essay?”
    “Lulu, that wasn’t nothing the other day. That was—”
    “Please,” I cut Hailey off. “Please. I can’t… I just can’t.” It isn’t much, but it’s all I can give them. I don’t want to keep secrets from my friends. Again, I wish I could open my mouth and let it all spill out, but what if they look at me differently? It’s one of my biggest fears—for the people I care about to look at me and wonder if I’m crazy. To wonder if I could grow up and be like Mom, who isn’t always Mom at all.
    I don’t want to be different.
    It’s Jamie who speaks first. She starts talking about her essay. From the looks they share with each other, it’s obvious that I let them down, but I grab onto the subject change like a lifeboat.
    The rest of the day goes smoothly. Hailey, Jamie and I laugh and talk during our free time in FBLA.
    I feel at my most normal when I’m with my friends. I know I’m lucky to have them, and again, I think about telling them, but the words are still stuck in my throat like they’ve always been. I don’t even like to talk to Dad about it, because I’ve seen the look in his eyes, too. I’ve seen him wonder if I will somehow end up with the same curse the other women in my family have.
    I’m on my way to my locker when Mrs. Young, the English teacher, stops me. “Lulu, have you put anymore thought into that writing competition I want you to enter? I know you’re all set up for college, but this will look good. There’s no one here who has the chance to win it, except you.”
    No, no I haven’t thought about it. I’d tried to forget about it if I’m being honest. I don’t care if it’s a major award or how good it will look for college. I don’t care about an extra scholarship. I don’t want that creative part of me to exist.
    “Thanks, but I can’t. I already have so much going on with school, FBLA, and student council.” As I speak, I’m walking backward away from her. My ribs are shrinking into my chest.
    Mrs. Young’s face falls. “Lulu.”
    “Thanks for thinking of me!” And then I run out. There are zero parts of me who want to do this, and I won’t. I don’t care what anyone says. I don’t care how good I am or who gets upset about it. I don’t write. Not if I don’t have to.
    Dad’s working late tonight, so I start dinner on my own. The spaghetti is almost done when I hear the front door open and close. A few seconds later, Dad walks into the kitchen.
    “Smells good,” he tells me.
    “Thanks!”
    We sit down to eat, and he tells me about his day and asks about mine. I love these times with him. It reminds me of families on TV shows, those people whose lives seem too perfect. Even when they don’t, everything is wrapped up in thirty minutes or less.
    “Hey, Lu?” he says when we’re cleaning up.
    “Yeah?”
    “Your mom says you haven’t answered her phone calls, and that you haven’t returned any of them.”
    My stomach drops out. First the conversation with Hailey and Jamie, then Mrs. Young and the writing, and now this. “I don’t know how to talk to her, Dad. Please don’t push me. I….” I don’t have to finish before his eyes grow sad. Just like I did with Jamie and Hailey, I know I’ve disappointed him.
     

 
    CHAPTER TEN
    ~Ryder~
    On my tenth birthday Dad took me out on a job for the first time. All I did was stand on the corner as a lookout. Even though my hands shook the entire time, I felt like ‘The Fucking