The Wilt Alternative by Tom Sharpe Read Free Book Online Page A

been right in

saying that the course was popular and immensely profitable Looking up the rows, Wilt made a

mental note that he was probably about to address several million poundsworth of oil wells,

steelworks, shipyards and chemical industries scattered from Stockholm to Tokyo via Saudi Arabia

and the Persian Gulf. Well, the blighters had come to learn about England and the English

attitudes and he might as well give them their money's worth.
    Wilt stepped up to the rostrum, arranged his few notes, tapped the microphone so that several

loud booms issued from the loudspeakers at the back of the auditorium and began his lecture.
    'It may come as something of a surprise to those of you who come from more authoritarian

societies that I intend to ignore the title of the course of lectures I am supposed to be giving,

namely The Development of Liberal and Progressive Social Attitudes in English Society from 1688

to the present day, and to concentrate on the more essential problem, not to say the enigma, of

what constitutes the nature of being English. It is a problem that has baffled the finest foreign

minds for centuries and I have no doubt that it will baffle you. I have to admit that I myself,

although English, remain bewildered by the subject and I have no reason to suppose that I will be

any clearer in my mind at the end of these lectures than I am now.'
    Wilt paused and looked at his audience. Their heads were bent over notebooks and their

ballpoints scribbled away. It was what he had come to expect. They would dutifully write down

everything he had to tell them as unthinkingly as previous groups he had lectured, but somewhere

among them there might be one person who would puzzle over what he had to say. He would give them

all something to puzzle over this time.
    'I will start with a list of books which are essential reading, but before I do so I will draw

your attention to an example of the Englishness I hope to explore. It is that I have chosen to

ignore the subject I am supposed to be teaching and have taken a topic of my own choice. I am

also confining myself to England and ignoring Wales, Scotland, and what is popularly known as

Great Britain. I know less about Glasgow than I do about New Delhi, and the inhabitants of those

parts would feel insulted were I to include them among the English. In particular I shall avoid

discussing the Irish. They are wholly beyond my comprehension as an Englishman and their methods

of settling disputes are not ones that appeal to me. I will only repeat what Metternich, I

believe, had to say about Ireland, that it is England's Poland.' Wilt paused again and allowed

the class to make another wholly inconsequential note. If the Saudis had ever heard of Metternich

he would be very surprised.
    'And now the book list. The first is The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame. This gives

the finest description of English middle-class aspirations and attitudes to be found in English

literature. You will find that it deals entirely with animals, and that these animals are all

male. The only women in the book are minor characters, one a bargewoman and the others a jailer's

daughter and her aunt, and strictly speaking they are irrelevant. The main characters are a Water

Rat, a Mole, a Badger and a Toad, none of whom is married or evinces the slightest interest in

the opposite sex. Those of you who come from more torrid climates, or have sauntered through

Soho, may find this lack of sexual motif surprising. I can only say that its absence is entirely

in keeping with the values of middle-class family life in England. For those students who are not

content with aspirations and attitudes but wish to study the subject in greater, if prurient,

depth I can recommend certain of the daily newspapers, and in particular the Sunday ones. The

number of choirboys indecently assaulted annually by vicars and churchwardens may lead you to