The Wilt Alternative by Tom Sharpe Read Free Book Online Page B

suppose that England is a deeply religious country. I incline to the view held by some

that...'
    But whatever view Wilt was about to incline to, the class never learnt. He stopped in

mid-sentence and stared down at a face in the third row. Irmgard Mueller was one of his students.

Worse still, she was looking at him with a curious intensity and had not bothered to take any

notes. Wilt gazed back and then looked down at his own notes and tried to think what to say next.

But all the ideas he had so ironically rehearsed had disintegrated. For the first time in a long

career of improvisation, Wilt dried up. He stood at the rostrum with sweating hands and looked at

the clock. He had to say something for the next forty minutes, something intense and serious and

yes, even significant. That dread word of his sensitive youth burped to the surface. Wilt steeled

himself.
    'As I was saying,' he stammered just as his audience began to whisper among themselves, 'none

of the books I have recommended will do more than scratch the surface of the problem of being

English...or rather of knowing the nature of the English.' For the next half an hour he strung

disjointed sentences together and finally muttering something about pragmaticism gathered his

notes together and ended the lecture. He was just climbing down from the stage when Irmgard left

her seat and approached him.
    'Mr Wilt,' she said, 'I want to say how interesting I found your lecture.'
    'Very good of you to say so,' said Wilt dissembling his passion.
    'I was particularly interested in what you said about the parliamentary system only seeming to

be democratic. You are the first lecturer we have had who has put the problem of England in the

context of social reality and popular culture. You were very illuminating.'
    It was an illuminated Wilt who floated out of the auditorium and up the steps to his office.

There could be no doubt about it now Irmgard was not simply beautiful. She was also radiantly

intelligent. And Wilt had met the perfect woman twenty years too late.

Chapter 5
    He was so preoccupied with this new and exhilarating problem that he was twenty minutes late

for the meeting of the Education Committee and arrived as Mr Dobble was leaving with the film

projector and the air of a man who has done his duty by putting the cat among the pigeons.
    'Don't blame me, Mr Wilt,' he said as Wilt scowled, 'I'm only here to...'
    Wilt ignored him and entered the room to find the Committee arranging themselves around a long

table. A solitary chair was placed conspicuously at the far end and, as Wilt had foreseen, they

were all there, the Principal, the Vice-Principal, Councillor Blighte-Smythe, Mrs Chatterway, Mr

Squidley and the Chief Education Officer.
    'Ah, Wilt,' said the Principal by way of unenthusiastic greeting. 'Take a seat.'
    Wilt steeled himself to avoid the solitary chair and sat down beside the Education Officer. 'I

gather you want to see me about the anti-pornographic film made by a member of the Liberal

Studies Department,' he said, trying to take the initiative.
    The Committee glared at him.
    'You can cut the anti for a start,' said Councillor Blighte-Smythe, 'what we have just seen

buggers...er...beggars belief. The thing is downright pornography.'
    'I suppose it might be to someone with a fetish about crocodiles,' said Wilt. 'Personally,

since I haven't had the chance to see the film, I can't say how it would affect me.'
    'But you did say it was anti-pornographic,' said Mrs Chatterway whose progressive opinions

invariably put her at odds with the Councillor and Mr Squidley, 'and as Head of Liberal Studies

you must have sanctioned it. I'm sure the Committee would like to hear your reasons.'
    Wilt smiled wryly. 'I think the title of Head of Department needs some explaining, Mrs

Chatterway,' he began, only to be interrupted by Blighte-Smythe.
    'So does this fuc... filthy film we've just had to see. Let's stick to