The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak by Etienne DeForest, Art Gelsinger Read Free Book Online

yourself within arm’s length of the undead. However, chances are you won't be so extremely lucky. The undead have a unique ability to remain undead for a lengthy period of time, with little to no maintenance save for the occasional bite of brains. You, on the other hand, will need food, water, and if the chance presents itself, an occasional sexual release in order to keep doing whatever it is you do.
     
    For instance, you will need to go out foraging for supplies and/or poon-tang from time to time, and there is a high probability that you will eventually encounter a random zombie in the cereal aisle of some random grocery store in the middle of Ball Snort Tennessee, or whatever shit-hole town you happen to be passing through on your quest for survival.
     
    Furthermore, it is notoriously difficult to sight your adversary with a rifle or shotgun after they’ve snuck up behind you and put you into a bear hug. For quick, immediate killing power delivered directly from the ball of burning hatred inside your gut, you will need to procure something more suitable to close encounters of this kind.
     
    As a melee weapon, the sledge axe delivers the most bludgeoning, stopping, and raw killing power pound for pound. It is, in the most basic terms, a sledge hammer on one side and an axe on the other. If you have the luxury to pick and choose, select one with a synthetic stock, if there are any left at your local hardware store. Although wood is nature’s preferred stock for strength, and a very useful material overall, it has the irritating tendency to splinter and split while involved in zombie combat.
     
     
     
    Synthetic stocks (i.e., plastic stocks) do not warp, split, sleep with your girlfriend, or leave you with the equivalent of a vampire stake while involved in combat with undead who are clearly not vampires (which everyone knows don’t exist anyway). Although most varieties of wood do not have the ability to sleep with your girlfriend, it never hurts to be safe.
     
    Be wary of weapons made out of mahogany, however, the hardest and strongest of all woods. For while weapons of this material will rarely break against the soft flesh of zombies, they will rarely break against the softer parts of your woman too! Human wood of this variety will send your girlfriend to levels of pleasure that you were previously allowed to believe you were already giving her. This is another of the many reasons why I personally prefer a synthetic stock. I mean, what kind of lady is going to have sex with a piece of hard plastic?
     
    The sledge axe has many advantages, but also one huge disadvantage: While it has the ability to both smash and sever the heads of the undead, it requires a vast amount of strength and energy to wield it. If you are not an ogre, a professional athlete, or a complete psycho, you will not have the stamina to wield this weapon for long. After 10-15 inspired swings, your arms will give out, leaving you unable to deliver the powerful and accurate blows needed to send these brain sucking-bastards back to the hell they came from in one melon-splattering head shot.
     
    The average zombie warrior should at the very least be packing a machete. The machete is a long, cleaver-like blade, typically used to clear thick brush in a rain forest environment. I nicknamed mine “Chopper,” which is short for “I'm going to chop your maggoty face to pieces!”
     
     
     
    Designed to cut through thick vines and stems, the machete is well adapted for slicing through the relatively thin layers of flesh in the neck region, as well as breaking through the upper spinal column that connects a zombie's dome piece to its torso.
     
    To decapitate a zombie with a hand-held weapon is just as likely to make you cream your pants as doing it with a rifle or a shotgun, perhaps even more so. However, it should be noted that it is neither necessary to achieve complete decapitation, nor spontaneous orgasm, in order to make this happen. All that is