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Zego.
G ENERAL M ARKS: You speak English. Amazing. Greetings, Commander. Do you come in peace?
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Who are you?
G ENERAL M ARKS: My name is General Marks. I am a five-star general and one of the highest-ranking military officers in the most powerful nation on Earth, the United States of America. Behind me are the most decorated leaders of every branch of our armed forces, along with a delegation of Nobel Laureates, cosmologists, biochemists, and—

A LIEN C OMMANDER: My council and I demand to see the Supreme Leader.
G ENERAL M ARKS: Of course, Commander. I have already contacted the President, and he—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Miss Universe.
G ENERAL M ARKS: What?
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Miss Universe.
G ENERAL M ARKS: … Uh—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: I demand to speak with Miss Universe.
     
    [
Commander Zego hands General Marks an 8" × 10" glossy photo of Miss Universe.
]
    G ENERAL M ARKS: Oh. Um… well, Commander, I think you actually want to talk to the
President
. You see, he is the—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: No.
G ENERAL M ARKS: But I think—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: I am the Supreme Commander of an entire planetary system, General. I will not speak to the President. I will speak to Miss Universe, and to Miss Universe alone.
G ENERAL M ARKS: Commander, with all due respect, I think you may be confused. Miss Universe is not our leader. She is a pageant winner. This picture you’ve given me is a photograph from a pageant she won. She is not our leader. You want to speak with the
President of the United States. He
is our leader. Now, I’ve contacted him, and—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Silence.
G ENERAL M ARKS: …
A LIEN C OMMANDER: You claim that this “President” is your leader and that he is so important, but tell me, General, how many presidents are there?
G ENERAL M ARKS: There is only one, Commander.
A LIEN C OMMANDER: You are not being truthful with me.
G ENERAL M ARKS: I assure you, Commander, that this is the truth.

A LIEN C OMMANDER: Well that is strange, because our intelligence indicates that there are many, many presidents on your planet.
G ENERAL M ARKS: Well… yes, but… I meant that there is only one for the United States.
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Hm… And is there not a president of the Kiwanis Club?
G ENERAL M ARKS: Yes, but that’s a different—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: And the Asbury Park Chamber of Commerce? And what about the Delta Delta Delta sorority? And the El Paso PTA?
G ENERAL M ARKS: Commander, I think you are misunderstanding—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Silence! I understand perfectly well. There are thousands of presidents. We know this to be fact—
G ENERAL M ARKS: But—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Is this not a fact!
G ENERAL M ARKS: Technically, yes, but—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Now, let me be perfectly clear. I will
not
speak with any of these “presidents.” Not today or ever. I don’t care if it is the President of the “United States” or of the “United Airlines.” Is that clear?
G ENERAL M ARKS: But, Commander—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Now tell me, General, how many Miss Universes are there?
     
    [
General Marks looks to an adviser for help. The adviser shrugs.
]
    G ENERAL M ARKS:
(reluctantly)
I guess just the one, but you must understand—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: That is correct. You serve yourself and your people best by being honest with me. Heed my warning, General. If you try to divert us from Miss Universe anymore, we will take it as an act of aggression and have no choice but to engage with full force.
G ENERAL M ARKS: Commander, please—
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Silence! I am growing weary of your games.
G ENERAL M ARKS: …
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Now, you will bring us Miss Universe or you will suffer the consequences.
G ENERAL M ARKS: Uh.
(deep breath)
Okay. We will bring you Miss Universe. My advisers are locating her now.
A LIEN C OMMANDER: Excellent. We will discuss our terms with Miss Universe then. Make haste, General, for the fate of your planet rests upon that meeting.
G ENERAL M ARKS: Oh boy.
     

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