This One Is Mine: A Novel by Maria Semple Read Free Book Online

pointy and witch-like. Violet had always wanted to know what number she’d be on a scale from one to ten. She once asked David. “Whoooaaa,” he had said, “there’s no right answer to that question.” She promised not to get all weird on him. He relented and told her she was an eight. She thanked him for the compliment but secretly went wild with insecurity. Why just an eight? Was she really a six, and he added two to keep the peace? Would he someday leave her for a nine? God knows he was surrounded by them. Years back, when one of his bands was playing the Coliseum, Violet went to find David in his makeshift office, the production trailer. In the tiny bathroom, she saw a
Perfect Ten
magazine. It made her want to collapse.
    Thump. Thump. Thump.
The swift pounding of David’s heels heralded a confrontation. This one promised to be a doozy. An hour ago, in the middle of their private yoga class, David had spotted the dead gopher at the bottom of the Jacuzzi. The one Violet had completely forgotten to take care of. David castigated her in front of the yoga teacher. Ten minutes later, Violet excused herself to the bathroom, and had been here ever since.
    “Honey!” David entered, sweaty from yoga. “What happened? Why didn’t you come back?”
    “I couldn’t deal with yoga today.” Violet blotted her face.
    David took a breath. She knew he was trying to control his temper. All she could do was wait and hope. “Shiva wanted to confirm our place at the yoga retreat next month,” he said.
    “I’ll call her about it later.” Violet opened the shower door and turned on the steam.
    “Wait a second,” he said. “Are you crying?”
    “No, I’m fine.”
    “Is it the gopher?”
    “No, it’s —”
    “What the fuck else am I supposed to do? I’m standing there trying to balance on one leg, and Shiva says pick a spot to focus on. So I look into the Jacuzzi and I see the
same dead gopher
that was there — what — two weeks ago?”
    “You were right to yell,” Violet said, instantly regretting it.
    “Yell? I would hardly call that yelling.”
    “I know, I know.”
    “Really. Let’s get Shiva on the phone and ask her if I
yelled
at you. I was merely expressing my very authentic and justifiable shock. You said you’d take care of it
two weeks ago
. Come on, Violet, what’s going on? I used to be able to rely on you.”
    “I’ll go fish it out now.” Violet headed out.
    “Violet, stop.” She froze in place, as if playing red-light-green-light. “Every time I come home,” he said, “there’s some truck in the driveway and a Mexican I’ve never seen before walking around scowling. Have one of
them
get the gopher out of the Jacuzzi.”
    Violet couldn’t stand him looking at her fat ass anymore. She turned around and walked toward the shower. “Okay, I will.”
    David intercepted her and gave her a big hug. She stood on her tiptoes and looked into his eyes. They were so gorgeous and mournful, even when he was angry. “It’s just that I trust you,” he said. “When you say you’re going to do something, you usually do it. I’ve grown to expect it from you. Remember, you’re UV-A, not UV-B.”
    UV-B: Violet despised being called that. David’s first nickname for her, Ultraviolet, was endearing. Ultraviolet had morphed into Ultra, and then UV-A. One day, many years ago, when she accidentally locked her keys in her car, Violet had jokingly referred to herself as UV-B. Even though it had originated with her, UV-B struck her as unspeakably cruel coming from her husband.
    David got undressed and stepped into the steam. The door sealed shut behind him.
    Violet knew she deserved this. She hadn’t worked in five years. She didn’t
have
to quit her job, but the hours were brutal and she had grown to despise the executives with their idiotic notes. As David had put it, she was too rich to let people dumber than she was have power over her. Plus, it was time to get serious about getting pregnant.