'Till Death Do Us Part: Love, Marriage, and the Mind of the Killer Spouse by Robi Ludwig, Matt Birkbeck Read Free Book Online Page A

the unknown; even a precognition of how off balance she was. But once Dan met someone else who gave him the feelings he wanted to have and longed for, it became impossible for him to stay married to Betty.
    The termination of this and most other relationships produces an overload of emotional stress which is often accompanied by a multitude of powerful feelings such as diminished self-esteem and self-worth, humiliation, depression, anger, and hurt. After repeated rejection and a fear that the former love relationship cannot be restored, the ditched lover seeks retribution and then may threaten to harm the former partner.
    Of all of the types of stalkers/pursuers, the obsessed estranged lover, for the most part, is the most dangerous, often displaying a propensity for violence. These kinds of personalities, much like Betty Broderick, experience a sense of fusion with their lover along with a sense of urgency. They are overwhelmingly anxious about reciprocity. They tend to idealize their lover and feel insecure outside of the relationship. They experience extremes of happiness and sadness and often have impaired reality testing in the relationship. In a way, they are relationally incompetent. Their behavior is a maladaptive response to loneliness, social isolation, and social incompetence.
    What makes them different from other people is their level of aggression and pathological narcissism. The chronic rejection challenges their idea about themselves that they are special, admired, superior, and in some way destined to be with the object of their pursuit. Betty Broderick’s identity and self-esteem were dependent on her husband being married to her, and on her being a mother and being the wife of a prominent, successful, and desirable man. As long as Betty was married to Dan, she could dismiss her feelings of inferiority and lack of feeling like a whole person.
    Feelings of grandiosity and pride trigger feelings of humiliation and shame that are defended against with rage, and the rage helps to stop the intolerable feelings of hurt. The intense anger is an attempt to fend off feelings of sadness because of the obsessive lover/stalker’s inability to fend off feelings of loss and grief. Despite the various psychological deficits found in these people, they are often very motivated in their pursuit. These obsessed stalkers tend to be more educated and intelligent than comparison groups of stalkers. They also tend to be very manipulative and resourceful. Sometimes love-obsessed stalkers want to inflict terror and revenge, but most of the time they are unaware of the distress they are causing to the victims of their pursuit.
    Betty Broderick didn’t believe that she was having any impact on her former spouse at all, which is why she escalated the intensity of her actions. In her mind, Dan was going to listen to her, no matter what.
    Pursuers such as Betty tend to be very egocentric, and more absorbed in their own thoughts and feelings than in the feelings of the one from whom they are seeking attention. They also tend to rationalize their behavior. Betty no doubt told herself that if Dan had not abandoned her, then she would not have had to try to reason with him in this unconventional and inconvenient way. If he would only admit how important she was to him and how important their love was, she would stop her behavior.
    Dan could not and would not give his wife that validation, and as a result he paid with his life. According to an interview I had with Dr. Miriam Ehrenberg, adjunct professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, it is a huge narcissistic injury when a woman provides services for a man and invests herself in her husband’s success but then is dismissed and unrecognized for what she did and how her support contributed to her husband’s success. When such a woman is rejected, it leads to a feeling of being undervalued, used, and/or in some cases even imprisoned. It’s a stark denial and a cold