Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less by Nick Douglas Read Free Book Online Page B

of newspaper op-eds.
    FrSpike
    Go ahead, say “Fat Tuesday” but in 15 years, successful Tuesday’s going to friend you on Facebook and you’re going to feel like a huge jerk.
    GorillaSushi
    Just knocked a Twix loose from the vending machine with sheer brute force. As usual, the entire office pretends to be unimpressed.
    erikprice
     
     
    ----
    Hey, is it considered molestation if the child makes the first move?
    I’m gonna need a quick answer on this.
    SarahKSilverman
----
     
     
    I used the L-word. But I made sure the squeeze was almost asleep first, so I could later argue that it was just a dream.
    sarahdopp
    When you have kids, “treasured heirloom” and “smells like pee” are not mutually exclusive.
    gknauss
    Now that everyone knows who the 5th Cylon is, I can’t get into the best restaurants anymore. So much for celebrity.
    hodgman
    I will not consider you my “pal” until you send me my money, PayDick.
    angleofattack
    Ever fall asleep reading Wikipedia and wake up feeling totally disambiguated?
    alisonrosen
    HIV testing at work today. They make a special point to say “no needles!” because when you get an HIV test, the needle is the scary thing.
    topherchris
    Crutches are cool if you think of them as Auto-Tune for walking.
    scottsimpson
    I really feel sorry for the people in “Lost.” They still have four more years of Bush to deal with.
    KuraFire
    You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a green bean.
    MsHiss
    I have a lot of writing to do today. Imagine that I’m saying that with a gigantic smile. Also, for the hell of it, put me in a top hat.
    redrabbit
    Your baby did not appreciate my Pacino impression. I don’t know, he crawled outside somewhere. Yeah, well, maybe my FEELINGS got run over!
    fireland
    Just bought a watch on sale that’s water resistant to 100 m, so if I ever find myself down that deep, I’ll know what time I died.
    adtothebone
    5yo pointing towards disposal in ladies’ restroom: “Is that where girls put their coupons?”
    emzbulletproof
    I love this shirt. I love this coffee. I just don’t want them hanging out together.
    girlnamedcaptn
    French Connection clerk was so goddamn smarmy I wanted to tell him to go fcuk himself.
    printartist
    If I could sleep with any celebrity, living or dead, I would.
    oldblinddeadjim
    Premise: Computers are horrible. Theory, from premise: As phones become tiny computers, their horribleness will increase in kind.
    al3x
    You never really appreciate how much stuff fits inside a Costco-sized container of something until you spill it.
    ericspiegelman
    They have all these cases for the iPhone but not a single one that I can wear as underwear.
    ShawnaF
    California Update: We apparently don’t have any water. I guess people won’t really start to panic until we run out of silicone and collagen.
    Ryan_Durham
    History shows the Japanese were only able to destroy one US city after the bombing of Pearl Harbor: Detroit.
    byx
    I am so homesick. So I’ve pretty much stopped going there altogether.
    delfie
    I never have a problem keeping “Christ in Christmas,” as I’m sure to invoke his name several times Christmas Eve assembling the kid’s toys.
    joeschmidt
    Packing for my buddy’s bachelor trip in New Orleans. No idea what one wears when “clubbing,” so packing my “douchebag” Halloween costume.
    dens
    I’m not saying that it’s the best, but if there is anything better than hot, freshly baked banana bread, I haven’t had sex with it.
    DieLaughing
     
     
    Made it rain
    at the club last night.
    Thought people grab all the money
    and give it back
    so you can throw it again.
    Not how it works
    I guess.
    azizansari
     
     
    At lunch with my daughter. This girl makes the best wingman. Where was she when I was single?
    luckyshirt
    Rice is a good option if you feel like eating 3,000 of something.
    badarama_
    What my proctologist doesn’t know yet won’t hurt him. Might surprise him, though.