Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less by Nick Douglas Read Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Nick Douglas
IN MY PANTS.”
diablocody
Not all TV shows need a holiday episode. For example, take “Law & Order: Christmas Special Victims Unit.”
tehawesome
Does anyone else Twitter faster toward the end of the post to see if you can somehow fit more than the allotted characters in? It never work
Jim Jeroo
My VW Beetle can’t deliver when I want a “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY” honk. It’s all, “Hi! Let’s get a latte after you move just a smidge!”
wryredhead
My idea of a trust exercise is not constantly topping off my phone battery.
rstevens
Found my 6th grade diary. Tragic or funny to see heart dotted i’s in “suicidal”?
NikolHasler
Lady. Say “You’re welcome a lot” in response to my “thanks a lot” one more time, and we’re gonna be in the newspaper tomorrow.
beep
How delicate, how fleeting our hold on nuance and subtlety, on the conversation that stirs our hearts and minds, when my butt itches.
texburgher
Sometimes I like to imagine that my BlackBerry shoots lasers.
joshu
What’s that, Dreamy TA? Your wife is an engineer too? Is she one of those engineers that DON’T EXIST CUZ I LIVE IN A FANTASY WORLD LALALA?
omgneil
Hemingway: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Me in high school: “Twelve-pack of condoms, never used.”
zuhl
Paris is the Paris of things that other things are the thing of.
dwineman
If you’re bisexual, naturally, people ask about your relationship status like you’re pregnant. Boy or girl? Hopefully once, you say twins.
jomoto
Who are all the cab drivers talking to on the phone all the time? Other cab drivers?
skidder
Diaper change epiphany: corn can’t possibly have any nutritional value.
irreverend
Two people are arguing just outside as to the definition of a “glancing blow.” Do I really have to do everything? Here. Let me demonstrate.
trelvix
I’m immune to your accusations of homophobia. Some of my best shirts are gay.
Moltz
True Tolkien devotees have of course read his masterwork, “The Favicon.”
zeldman
Pet review: cat collar bells. Easy to care for and feed, but you may need to buy a cat to tell where it is.
TheAmazingKim
I just love walking. I guess you could call me a pedophile.
domnit
Jewish kids have classes on the ways people have tried to kill us. Latest cause? The length of the classes.
clapifyoulikeme
ABOUT TO GO ONSTAGE IN PORTLAND, OR! TALK ABOUT A BUNCH OF WHITE DEVILS. WISH ME LUCK! MIGHT HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE W/ A TAN “BLACK”!
LisaLampanelli
Whole lotta begatting.
HotAmishChick
There is nothing more infuriatingly depressing than a stale fortune cookie.
jagosaurus
Son fell asleep on the couch watching “Nemo,” so I paused it on the sharks and scooted the couch within 6” of the flat screen. Now we wait.
InSoOutSo
No insurance, so I’ve self-diagnosed based on movies: tuberculosis. I hope it’s the pretty Nicole Kidman TB, not the sweaty Val Kilmer kind.
superfantastic
PSA idea for DC motorists: “Honking and You: Practical vs. Wanton”
gschueler
If I am able to finish this tweet, then this is the slowest cashier in the world. Dum dee dum. Ba ba ba. Do do do. La la la. Gleep glop.
seanhussey
I think people are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s so much safer to harass rich bitches than motorcycle gangs.
LucyRcardo
If a bitch is a bitch (Ice Cube), and bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks (Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, et al.) we can conclude bitches is magic.
SeoulBrother
So now Blagojevich has been double-impeached, which sounds like a Ben & Jerry’s flavor.
earlkabong
If I were an OBGYN, my catchphrases would be “At your cervix!” and “Not guilty, Your Honor.”
detweiler
Two pregnant women on the bus. It better not be contagious.
munki
When Morgan Freeman reads a book, whose voice is in his head?
bonerparty
It’s cool how we can go from “hooray, racism is defeated!” to “those cunning Japanese devils” over just 2 weeks
diablocody
Not all TV shows need a holiday episode. For example, take “Law & Order: Christmas Special Victims Unit.”
tehawesome
Does anyone else Twitter faster toward the end of the post to see if you can somehow fit more than the allotted characters in? It never work
Jim Jeroo
My VW Beetle can’t deliver when I want a “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY” honk. It’s all, “Hi! Let’s get a latte after you move just a smidge!”
wryredhead
My idea of a trust exercise is not constantly topping off my phone battery.
rstevens
Found my 6th grade diary. Tragic or funny to see heart dotted i’s in “suicidal”?
NikolHasler
Lady. Say “You’re welcome a lot” in response to my “thanks a lot” one more time, and we’re gonna be in the newspaper tomorrow.
beep
How delicate, how fleeting our hold on nuance and subtlety, on the conversation that stirs our hearts and minds, when my butt itches.
texburgher
Sometimes I like to imagine that my BlackBerry shoots lasers.
joshu
What’s that, Dreamy TA? Your wife is an engineer too? Is she one of those engineers that DON’T EXIST CUZ I LIVE IN A FANTASY WORLD LALALA?
omgneil
Hemingway: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Me in high school: “Twelve-pack of condoms, never used.”
zuhl
Paris is the Paris of things that other things are the thing of.
dwineman
If you’re bisexual, naturally, people ask about your relationship status like you’re pregnant. Boy or girl? Hopefully once, you say twins.
jomoto
Who are all the cab drivers talking to on the phone all the time? Other cab drivers?
skidder
Diaper change epiphany: corn can’t possibly have any nutritional value.
irreverend
Two people are arguing just outside as to the definition of a “glancing blow.” Do I really have to do everything? Here. Let me demonstrate.
trelvix
I’m immune to your accusations of homophobia. Some of my best shirts are gay.
Moltz
True Tolkien devotees have of course read his masterwork, “The Favicon.”
zeldman
Pet review: cat collar bells. Easy to care for and feed, but you may need to buy a cat to tell where it is.
TheAmazingKim
I just love walking. I guess you could call me a pedophile.
domnit
Jewish kids have classes on the ways people have tried to kill us. Latest cause? The length of the classes.
clapifyoulikeme
ABOUT TO GO ONSTAGE IN PORTLAND, OR! TALK ABOUT A BUNCH OF WHITE DEVILS. WISH ME LUCK! MIGHT HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE W/ A TAN “BLACK”!
LisaLampanelli
Whole lotta begatting.
HotAmishChick
There is nothing more infuriatingly depressing than a stale fortune cookie.
jagosaurus
Son fell asleep on the couch watching “Nemo,” so I paused it on the sharks and scooted the couch within 6” of the flat screen. Now we wait.
InSoOutSo
No insurance, so I’ve self-diagnosed based on movies: tuberculosis. I hope it’s the pretty Nicole Kidman TB, not the sweaty Val Kilmer kind.
superfantastic
PSA idea for DC motorists: “Honking and You: Practical vs. Wanton”
gschueler
If I am able to finish this tweet, then this is the slowest cashier in the world. Dum dee dum. Ba ba ba. Do do do. La la la. Gleep glop.
seanhussey
I think people are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s so much safer to harass rich bitches than motorcycle gangs.
LucyRcardo
If a bitch is a bitch (Ice Cube), and bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks (Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, et al.) we can conclude bitches is magic.
SeoulBrother
So now Blagojevich has been double-impeached, which sounds like a Ben & Jerry’s flavor.
earlkabong
If I were an OBGYN, my catchphrases would be “At your cervix!” and “Not guilty, Your Honor.”
detweiler
Two pregnant women on the bus. It better not be contagious.
munki
When Morgan Freeman reads a book, whose voice is in his head?
bonerparty
It’s cool how we can go from “hooray, racism is defeated!” to “those cunning Japanese devils” over just 2 weeks
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