Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less by Nick Douglas Read Free Book Online

their teens.
    shaggerty
    If the medical profession really wanted to be dicks, they’d add a new letter to ADHD every year.
    sween
    I’ve yet to see a pair of boots that *weren’t* made for walking.
    secretsquirrel
    The Olympics closing ceremony looks like someone gave Björk an unlimited budget and a countryful of glow sticks and said, “Choreograph!”
    moonlet
    Secretary pulling the ole “my alarm didn’t go off” late routine. Wonder if she’ll dig my “your bonus got lost in the mail.”
    jakepotter
    I realized tonight that a Framboise Lambic is what it’d taste like if they made alcoholic Nerds. Next thought was “Oh, that’s what *I* am.”
    jasonpermenter
     
     
    ----
    What to Do When Twitter’s Down
    Every Twitter wit sometimes meets the Fail Whale, a cartoon on the site’s error page and Twitter’s unofficial mascot. What can you do when the site isn’t working?
Check the weather, find a webcam pointed at your block, ask five other people what they’re doing, then decide not to go outside.
Log onto World of Warcraft and tease everyone about wasting their lives socializing online.
Check Twitter again. IM some friends to make them load it too, in case the site’s just down for you.
Get high and watch the news. Think up witty answers to every rhetorical headline. Hey, you could beat Jon Stewart at this game! Let’s go Google his producer’s cell phone.
Heckle the barista.
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    Tonight’s edition of supermarket pickup lines: “What kind of apples are those?” The kind who have boyfriends.
    echuckles
    Around 3 a.m. I get an email from “a nice girl that would like to chat + pics.” Poor girl can’t afford a domain and uses only IP addresses.
    kevinrose
    It’s my third day on nothing but bread and watery soup. Which makes this illness one unjust verdict short of a 19th-century French prison.
    elizabethlittle
    Doctor says I only *sprained* my pride. He advised me to stay off it for 3 to 4 days, but I’m sure it will be fine tomorrow.
    tj
    I’d love to see a fight between William of Ockham and Rube Goldberg.
    sitemost
     
     
    BUCK UP. COLD WEATHER NEVER KILLED ANYONE.
    badbanana
     
     
    Even cancer likes boobs.
    benmarvin
    Attention inventors: Computers need faces. Nice, big, stabbable faces.
    rrsotomayor
    I will follow you into the sunset, in hopes you catch on fire and I get to watch.
    drunkstepfather
    Come on, you’re canceling my gym membership for that? What about all those times I tickled him while he was bench-pressing & he didn’t die?
    melissasantos
    Want to know how I can monetize all of this populist outrage.
    BorowitzReport
    His voice had a certain kind of resonance. It helped define him. So when his kid kicked him in the groin, he didn’t know who he was anymore.
    arjunbasu
    Everyone thinks it’s so cute when a cat gets on a piano, but eventually it’s like, okay, we get it. You like Supertramp. Give it a rest!
    Zaius13
    I just got a new high score at Dishwasher Tetris!
    d_g_
    Pirate first aid: If the wound is smaller than your fist, drink rum. If it’s bigger than your fist, stuff a parrot in it.
    PirateParenting
    When I’m whistling and someone spontaneously joins in I react as if they’re helping me at the urinal.
    iancorey
    Overhearing young New Yorkers on a bad first date (boredly trading exotic travel plans) is like listening to purebred puppies whine.
    anamariecox
    Wanna know how far I have lowered the bar? 3 people have asked me what the special occasion is, because my shirt is tucked in.
    Wallaceh
    I just drank some scotch to take the edge off only to discover it was all edge.
    ed_x
    Heather Locklear looks better in her mug shot than any other photo. I guess that shows that I’m looking for things she isn’t.
    pennjillette
    This is one of those weeks between “HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?” and “COLD ENOUGH FOR YA?” when no one in Chicago has anything to say.
    phyllisstein
     
     
    OMG, I’m at Baja Fresh and they have a Diablo Taco. I’m like, “Me too,