Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader by Bathroom Readers’ Institute Read Free Book Online

mother and child.
    5 . Melanie had a huge hit in 1971 with “I’ve Got a Brand New Key.” She had an innocent voice, but the lyric “I’ve got a brand new pair of roller skates, you’ve got a brand new key” sounded like sex to most people. The truth would have disappointed them—the song was really inspired by...
    a) A new pair of roller skates she got for her birthday.
    b) A McDonald’s hamburger.
    c) A sporting goods store near her house.
    6 . The Bee Gees were the hottest group of the late ’70s, and the record that started their meteoric comeback—before Saturday Night Fever was released—was “Jive Talkin’,” a #1 hit in 1975. The song actually started out as...
    a) “Jive Walkin’”—inspired by the British comedy troupe Monty Python and their “Department of Silly Walks.”
    b) “Drive Talkin’”—inspired by a rickety wooden bridge.
    c) “Hive Stalkin’”—inspired by their hobby of keeping bees.
    7 . One of the biggest-selling records of the ’70s was Terry Jacks’s “Seasons in the Sun.” He didn’t plan to release it as a single, but...
    a) His paper-boy heard his demo tape and really liked it...then brought his friends to Jacks’s house to hear it.
    b) The Beach Boys heard his demo tape and talked about recording it themselves. Jacks figured if they liked it, it must be good.
    c) He’d recently broken up with his wife, Susan Jacks (of the Poppy Family), and needed a quick $10,000 to pay his divorce lawyer.
     
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    A bloody wound on your body starts to clot in less than 10 seconds.
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WELCOME TO WASHINGTON!
    Politicians aren’t getting much respect these days—but then, it sounds like they don’t think they deserve much, either.
    “If hypocrisy were gold, the Capitol would be Fort Knox.”
    —Senator John McCain
    “It is perfectly American to be wrong.”
    —Newt Gingrich
    “My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference.”
    —Harry S. Truman
    “My God! What is there in this place (Washington D.C.) that a man should ever want to get into it?”
    —President James Garfield
    “I think the American public wants a solemn ass as president and I think I’ll go along with them.”
    —President Calvin Coolidge
    “Political promises go in one year and out the other.”
    —Anonymous
    “The single most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it’s so rare.”
    —Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan
    “You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.”
    —Milton Berle
    “If...everybody in this town connected with politics had to leave town because of [chasing women] and drinking, you’d have no government.”
    —Senator Barry Goldwater
    “If you don’t want to work for a living, this is as good a job as any.”
    —Congressman John F. Kennedy in 1946
    “There they are—See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Evil.”
    —Bob Dole, on a gathering of ex-presidents Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, and Richard Nixon
     
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    The three foods Americans say they hate the most: #1 tofu; #2 liver; #3 yogurt.
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LET ME WRITE SIGN—I SPEAK ENGLISH GOOD
    When signs in a foreign country are written in English, any combination of words is possible. Here are some real-life examples.
    “Guests are prohibited from walking around in the lobby in large groups in the nude.”
    —Havana hotel
    “If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.”
    —Moscow hotel
    “It is forbidden to enter a woman even if a foreigner is dressed as a man.”
    —Seville cathedral
    “Visitors two to a bed and half an hour only.”
    —Barcelona hospital
    “All customers promptly executed.”
    —Tokyo barbershop
    “We highly recommend the hotel tart.”
    —Torremolinos hotel
    “I slaughter myself twice daily.”
    —Israel butcher shop
    “Because of the impropriety of entertaining persons of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is requested that