Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas Read Free Book Online

impossibly esoteric concept. It’s not something granted by a guru with a touch to your third eye. It’s simply the ability to focus, to put your attention where your intentions are.
    Now that’s easy to say, but in practice it can be pretty hard to do. How many times have you tried to focus on your lover’s body only to have your mind flip away to somemundane work problem? It happens to all of us. When it comes to sex there are so many things that can distract us. First and foremost, there are fantasies. Now, I’m not saying that fantasies are bad. Fantasies are an important part of our sexual imagination. They can be extremely useful for awakening and expanding our desire. They can be used to explore new realms of intimacy and fun when you and your partner focus on making a shared fantasy come true. But if you are focusing most of your attention on the fantasy running in your head instead of on the person you are with, you are not engaged in a conscious sexual encounter.
    One of my least favorite pop sex tips for men is the one about how to slow down ejaculation by thinking about something mundane or unpleasant. Talk about unconscious! Becoming more conscious of what is happening is far more effective. Conscious techniques such as slowing down, changing the way you breathe, and changing the way you thrust keep your attention focused on your pleasure and your partner. (See chapter 8 for more on delaying ejaculation.)
    We want to learn to be mindful—both in sex and in life. All that means is that we want our minds to be full of the present moment and not of other thoughts. You don’t have to be in a silent place completely free of distraction to be mindful. There are a few simple techniques you can use to start to be more aware, right here, right now.

Breathe
    Breath is our single greatest source of energy and aliveness, yet by the time we are adults most of us are breathing just enough to stay alive. We learn at an early age that having too much energy creates problems for us. We are punished for being too loud and too active; for laughing too much and crying too hard. We learn to stifle that energy—that aliveness—by limiting our breath. The less we breathe, the less we feel. This simple numbing technique has seen us through many experiences we didn’t want to be fully present for. It still does.
    We all constantly regulate ourselves with our breathing, and we all do it more or less unconsciously. Our breathing automatically changes to give less fuel to any feeling that registers outside the “safe” range. This has its advantages—it protects us from reacting with acute sensitivity to every stress and strain of modern life. But it also insulates us from being sensitive to things we do want to feel. Our life becomes safe and regulated; but because we established the boundaries of this safe range when we were children, we limit our potential. As adults, we could all handle—and would probably enjoy—a whole lot more aliveness.
    Our first step in learning to be more alive and in the moment is to breathe more fully. Try that right now. Take a big breath. Let it fill you from your genitals to the top of your head. Notice how you expand as you inhale. Slowly release the breath. Do you feel bigger, taller? Maybe the lights seem to get brighter. Perhaps you notice sounds or smells that weren’t there before.
    Now take a little teeny breath. The smallest, shallowest breath you can. You’ll probably have to take more breaths in order to take in enough air. Notice how you contract when you breathe shallowly. You may find yourself hunched over, at least slightly. Perhaps you tightened your belly or shoulders or scrunched up your face. You might have felt smaller and less powerful, and perhaps you even felt a twinge of anger or sadness.
    Pay attention to how you breathe.
    The next time you are feeling really good ,
notice how you are breathing .
The next time you are feeling angry or sad,
notice how you are