Waiter to the Rich and Shameless: Confessions of a Five-Star Beverly Hills Server by Paul Hartford Read Free Book Online

regulars.  Just a feeling I had – that they needed to make
sure I could pass muster and maintain their standards.  They would subtly test
me in conversation to see if I could politely keep up my end of the discussion.
 Could I remember their names?  The details of their usual drink orders?  The
strength, the two cherries in the old fashioned, the blue cheese stuffed
olives, the two drops of vermouth in their Plymouth martini, the brand of
bourbon in their Manhattan rocks?  It became evident that I was passing their
tests because more and more locals began showing up and the bar was becoming
busier by the day.  I liked to think some of that booming business was due to
my bartending skills and charm, but it may have been coincidental. Celebrities
like to say they “cherish their anonymity” and love to “fly under the radar”
but that’s bullshit. They crave attention and adulation; it’s why they’re in
the business. So they love coming to a bar that’s known for celebrity
clientele. It makes them feel special, and it’s my job to encourage that
delusion.
    I
served Sheryl Crowe and Lance Armstrong after they had attended a fundraiser
for the Democratic National Party.  She looked very plain-Jane in person and
Armstrong looked like a thousand other thin, fit guys you’d see anywhere. I
didn’t even know who she was until she handed me her credit card.  The same
went for Claire Danes.  Girl-next-door types you might see at any bar or
Denny’s in America.  Selma Blair was hanging out a lot and bringing her then-buddy
Matthew Perry.  They were always funny and entertaining, never rude or
arrogant, but too antsy to sit still for too long so I never really got to know
them.  When certain actors become known for a signature role, like Perry is
with his role on Friends , people often expect them to be the character
instead of themselves, whether it's being funny or a superhero. In person, they
more often than not just want to act like normal people out for a drink or a
meal. They may have chosen the Cricket Room because it's special, has great
food and service, and not like others in their business who come for the snob
appeal.
    They
have normal-people problems too:  Taryn Manning’s credit card was declined and
we ended up picking up her check.  She was quite embarrassed and said she’d
come back to pay but she never did. And this was after her big breakthrough in Hustle
& Flow .  Yo, it’s tough out there for a pimp!  Maybe she forgot,
or simply was too embarrassed to return and pay her debt, but I lost a lot of
respect for her.
    Not
one but two James Bonds came in: Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan came in two
days apart.  Moore had a cranberry juice, no ice.  I wanted to ask him, “Shaken,
not stirred?” but I refrained since he might not be drinking for a reason. 
He’s probably heard it a million times anyway. He was looking a bit bloated and
old, actually.  Brosnan had a couple of Ketel One Martinis “shaken!” with
olives.  He was cool and approachable but his phone kept ringing so we really
didn’t talk much.  He’s so good looking (and taller than I expected at six two)
that women’s heads turned and he got a lot of attention.
    Ozzy
Ozbourne, who had a house account, approached me at the bar.  He sort of did
his little wobble-float walk and then stopped, facing me, and said: “Gimmieashodabsoluvoka.” 
    I
picked up the Absolut bottle and raised my eyebrows.  “This, sir?”  
    “Yeajusgimmieashod
quick,” he said, so I filled my aluminum shaker with ice and prepared to chill
him a nice shot of vodka.  
    “NohIdonwaninieyes.” 
    “No
ice?” I repeated.  He shook his head so I poured it straight out of the bottle
into a shot glass.
    “Makeyadubel.” 
    “A
double,” I repeated.  He nodded his head, so I poured it straight out of the
bottle into an old-fashioned rocks glass.  He almost grabbed it before I stopped
pouring, gulped it down in two slurps and then